NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK— A local cafe has switched its menu exclusively to instant coffee, to the reluctant but undeniable delight of baristas, customers, and management. “I was really upset when I found out we were planning to switch to instant coffee, for obvious reasons,” lead barista Sloane Micheli told reporters. “I’m a barista because I like…
By Sam Stoothoff SPOKANE, WA— In a popular Spokane cafe, one resilient ficus is still alive despite being unwatered for over a year. Reports suggest that since plant-loving barista Jacqueline Fraiser left the cafe in late 2017, the ficus has been forgotten entirely. We hit the scene to get eyes on the inspiring tree and the crew…
OKLAHOMA CITY, OK— A local cafe chain is implementing a new anti-bias training program to teach baristas to respect coffees of all roast levels. While many are skeptical of the efficacy of anti-bias trainings, owner Helen Jones believes that it’s a necessary first step in eliminating bias not only in baristas, but in the wider community. “In third-wave coffee shops.…
By Jack Crisfield LONDON, UK— The owner of an award-winning South London coffee shop was left shocked today as a fresh-off-the-boat Australian told her that good coffee simply cannot be found in London. Shane Brown of Melbourne Australia, who has lived in the UK for two weeks, insisted that “there’s just nothing good here” during a conversation…
SEATTLE, WA— This week in Seattle, a new drink is desperately trying to get noticed: the cabbage latte. Made by stirring a small amount of dried, ground cabbage into an espresso shot before adding milk, the cabbage latte really wants to happen, but it seems like no one gives a shit enough to even dignify this as clickbait. …
DAVIS, CA— A shocking new study put out by UC Davis’s coffee campus has found that batch brew coffee comes with a dangerously common brewing error: not turning on the machine. After a series of rigorous testing over the last six months, the results are, according to the report, undeniable: at least one in five batches of batch…
PITTSBURGH, PA— Local barista Aisha Khan was disgruntled today when a regular customer at her coffee shop requested her friendship on Facebook. Our reporters hit the scene to investigate. “I mean, we interact a few times a week, but it’s not like we’re actual friends,” she told us. “I don’t want to share my political views and, like, pictures of…
PORTLAND, OR— This morning, a popular vegan cafe is enveloped in an angry horde of vegans protesting the cafe’s use of human labor. Fighting our way through handmade signs reading “End Vegan Hypocrisy” and “Stop Exploiting ALL Animals,” we got on the scene to investigate. “Humans are animals, too,” protester Eric Patton told us heatedly, pushing his blonde dreads out…
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we appreciate. BURLINGTON, VT— A popular Burlington cafe recently jettisoned its WiFi connection in a bid to encourage higher seat turnover within the cafe’s limited space as well as “to encourage customers to have conversations instead of just sitting on their computers.” Witnesses report that customer conversation has indeed increased,…
This piece is dedicated to Amanda Amato, Patreon supporter, badass, and friend. BUFFALO, NY— Feathers are ruffled all over the city of Buffalo as cafe owners and guests discover that a feminist vigilante has placed boxes of tampons in every cafe restroom across the city. “I think it’s a menace,” said Stephen Chell, owner of a popular cafe…