Cafe, Coffee Events, Customer Service

Chaos at Cash-Free Cafe After Internet Down for 15 Minutes

A barista in black speaks urgently to another barista out of frame at a white and wood cafe. A customer in black waits at the counter and the cafe is full of other customers.

  OAKLAND, CA— Chaos erupted during the morning rush at a local cash-free cafe after the internet went down and stayed down for fifteen long minutes, preventing baristas from making any formal transactions.   “It was like nothing I’ve ever seen before,” said customer Sarah Walabi, looking past me as she spoke. “The line was out the door and the…

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Cafe, Coffee Events, Crowdfunds

Landlord Receives 30-Day Eviction Notice From Cafe Owners, Launches Crowdfund

A man in a dark grey suit sits at a wooden table holding his phone and looking at it.

  This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our most excellent Patreon supporter without whom we couldn’t do this.    SEATTLE, WA— In a shocking and heartbreaking reversal, Seattle landlord Mike Marcon of Marcon Properties has received a 30-day eviction notice from a cafe owner couple to whom he rents space. He needs your help to cover the gap.   Marcon got…

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Cafe, Customer Service

Mom Banned from Cafe After Complaining that Kid’s Temperature Hot Chocolate Too Cool

A hot chocolate with a dollop of whipped cream in a white mug on a white saucer on a light wood table.

  CINCINNATI, OH— Local mom Corinne Olson was banned from a popular Cincinnati cafe this morning after complaining that the kid’s temperature hot chocolate she ordered for her nine-year-old son Tyler was too cool.   Olson, who frequents the cafe while working on her Etsy store, often brings her son along on his days off from school. She assumed that…

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Cafe, New Findings

New Research Shows That Not Being Able to Get Splenda Makes You Really Angry

Splenda packets in a white ramikin.

  Due to long-known health risks and ever-increasing general expenses, more and more cafes are refusing to carry Splenda and other alternative sweeteners—a decision that may come with severe and unintended consequences. New research released by the Center for Disease Control this morning shows that not being able to get Splenda can make frequent users very, very angry.   “While…

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Cafe

CA Cafes Required to Label Pumpkin Spice Lattes “Squash Spice”

Two hands reach into a pile of colorful pumpkins.

  OAKLAND, CA— Cafes all over the state of California are reeling as a new ruling mandates that all pumpkin spice beverages be labeled “squash spice.”   Douglas Hune, the judge responsible for the controversial ruling, had this to say at a press conference this morning: “I’m aware that to some, this might not seem justified, but it is our…

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Cafe, Customer Service

Communist Customer Doesn’t Tip Baristas Because Whole System is Fucked

A blonde man holds his hood over his head with a twinkle in his eyes. The photo is black and white.

  NEW YORK CITY, NY— Communist coffee shop customer Mitch Dryden doesn’t believe in tipping baristas; according to him, “the whole system is fucked, and tipping only validates that.”   Dryden, who works as a bike mechanic, used to work as barista but doesn’t believe in tipping. “It’s not about people as individuals, it’s about the system,” he said. “It’s…

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Cafe, Customer Service, New Products

Coffee-Fetching Robot Disrupts Morning Rush

A white robot with a small smile looks at the camera.

  BOSTON, MA— This morning in a local university’s robotics building, a coffee-fetching robot disrupted service and severely pissed off several baristas.   Creators were thrilled and excited to send Caffbot, the new robot they’ve engineered to fetch their morning brew, on his inaugural mission down to their favorite cafe. However, the mission didn’t quite go as planned.   When…

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