By Christopher Vasquez PORTLAND, OR— A barista at one Portland cafe came face-to-face with his own shortcomings when it became apparent that he had spent the last six months calling regular customer Mark Wilde by the wrong name. The customer is reportedly both unoffended and unphased. According to witnesses, barista Eddie Wong had called out, “Hey Scott,…
PITTSBURGH, PA— This week at a high-volume university cafe, two baristas were fired after playing Alanis Morissette’s classic album “Jagged Little Pill,” during the mid-morning lull. The altercation began when university professor Jill Redkin came over to complain about the music, which was playing at a moderate volume in the space. “I asked them if it wasn’t…
This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Colton Kirby NEW YORK, NY— Over the weekend, eager new barista Freddie Stapp read a blog post by a former world barista champion regarding extraction percentages and TDS numbers. Heavy with the knowledge that his cafe was failing to utilize, Stapp showed…
By Sam Stoothoff SALEM, MA— A local cafe was enveloped in a shroud of darkness early Wednesday morning when barista Erin Valor pulled what baristas across the world know as the “devil shot.” According to reports, onlookers heard a deep, sickly, rumbling voice described as coming, “from the deep,” and being, “profoundly upsetting.” Patrons we talked to…
PHOENIX, AZ— Inspired by her favorite erotic bakery, local entrepreneur and regional barista champion Maisy Kean recently launched the country’s first erotic cafe. We attended the launch party to see what all the buzz was about and found a happy, spirited crowd sipping free espresso bevs. “When I lived in SF for school, the best bakery in town…
This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Jorge Gadala-Maria WASHINGTON, DC— After a gallant attempt to dial-in on Monday morning at a busy downtown DC cafe, barista Lindsey Nowles concluded that the coffeehouse’s high-end grinder was simply “being weird” today. “It could be the heat and humidity,…
By Mat North RED BANK, NJ— As word of a growing conflict over plant-based milk alternatives in one New Jersey cafe spread throughout the internet, the Knockbox hit the scene to investigate. Over the previous week, a fight had broken out over the management’s choice of plant-based milk alternative, sundering the unity the formerly tight-knit team had…
LOUIS, MO— Cafe customer Steven Kade stepped in a dog’s water dish today while getting up from his table, splashing his pants with dog mouth water and becoming profoundly displeased. Our reporters hit the scene to investigate. Dog-owner Karen Ling found the incident regrettable. “I asked the barista for some water for my dog Misty,” she told us.…
SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Last night at a local latte art throwdown, barista Thomas Chin brought his own custom tamper and milk pitcher to make sure he could “truly demonstrate his best work.” In a perhaps-unrelated coincidence, no one likes him. “The tamper has razor-sharp edges to prevent channeling, and I also got my initials engraved on it,” he…
This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Zac Hyde CHARLESTON, SC— Staff at a local coffee shop in Charleston, SC were reportedly touched this morning when they arrived to work to find that new hire Stacy Chambers had still not yet become an irredeemably bitter cynic. Now entering…