This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Sam Stoothoff BROOKLYN, NEW YORK— After several years of continued maintenance, baristas at a popular local cafe were astonished to find their modular espresso machine functioning exactly as an espresso machine should. Instead of a steam wand not functioning or water…
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we appreciate. By Jack Crisfield LONDON, UK— Coffee shop regular Robin Bellhouse left his favorite cafe a bad review on TripAdvisor yesterday after being recommended a single-origin filter coffee that was, according to Bellhouse, “deceptively advertised,” and “really a ripoff.” “I have popped in every morning…
By William Tanzarian Listen, I get it. I’m not just some customer who comes in and bastardizes all your hard work by adding loads of milk and sugar. Sure, I’ve never actually been a barista before, but I own a kettle and I grind my own beans at home, so I understand what it’s like to really put…
This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Lanny Huang DETROIT, MI— At approximately 8:26pm last Sunday, sources reported that local barista Miles Thomas lost a distribution screw down the drain at the coffee shop where he’d just started working during a solo closing shift. “It happened so fast,”…
By Camillia Nazanan CAMBRIDGE, MA— Coffee enthusiasts with the desire to witness spacetime twisting in on itself finally have reason to rejoice. A Cambridge cafe with a sizable student following has debuted its newest product, the Black Hole Mocha, which promises patrons the taste sensation and physics lesson of a lifetime. Our reporters rushed to the unveiling,…
KNOXVILLE, TN— One Knoxville cafe really loves Jesus but is also super chill and doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable. “We want the space to be comfortable to all people, so they can interact with the Lord’s energy in a way that’s on their level,” owner Mike Lester told the Knockbox. “We try to keep it secular because…
SAN FRANCISCO, CA— This morning, local cafe customer Cathy Samuels stated that the drip coffee she was attempting to purchase was too expensive. “Why should a cup of coffee cost 2.50?” Samuels told reporters. “It’s ridiculous. What am I, a millionaire?” Samuels, who works as a product manager for a popular software company, lives in San Francisco’s Mission…
By Camillia Nazanin This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our most excellent Patreon supporter without whom we couldn’t do this. ST. LOUIS, MO— Leila Quinn, a recent hire at a bustling St. Louis cafe, received a slew of negative feedback from coworkers after casually revealing her preference for iced cappuccinos. Previously a barista at Starbucks, Quinn was…
CLEVELAND, OH— This morning, during a popular cafe’s morning rush, barista Leila Tehrani watched a fruit fly hover around, then slowly crawl towards, a freshly-made cappuccino, only to enter the drink just as she called the customer’s name. “I was steaming milk and pulling a shot for the drink, and this fruit fly was hovering around,” Tehrani, a…
This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Nathanael May CHARLOTTE, NC— Eschewing the standard options of “melted ice cream” and “wet paint,” local barista and aspiring shift lead Braedyn Kellson discovered what she believed to be the perfect analogy for teaching new baristas the expected texture of properly steamed…