By Sam Stoothoff This piece is dedicated to the ever-excellent Morgan Russell, our Patreon supporter whom we appreciate. ATLANTA, GA— Local barista Sean McAllister has been greeting everyone with “unusual warmth and compassion for the entirety of his shift,” according to reports. In a completely unrelated coincidence, he also happens to have run out of money until his next…
SAN FRANCISCO, CA— The Fourth of July was ruined for the crew of one local cafe when an overzealous guest wearing an Uncle Sam outfit walked around the shop for several hours calling all of the baristas and customers snowflakes and yelling the lyrics to “She’s a Grand Old Flag.” We got on the scene to investigate and…
This piece is dedicated to Nathanael May, one of our first Patreon supporters, to whom we are forever grateful. WASHINGTON, D.C.— A joyous day was had by all at one D.C. cafe last Saturday when several local patrons brought their dogs—all of whom were service dogs, not just pets—along for their weekend latte. All throughout the long summer…
SEATTLE, WA— Local coffee shop owner Shawn Jameson misses the days when he was “just a barista.” Jameson purchased his small coffee shop eight years ago, wanting to own his own space and run a shop the way he envisioned. Now, almost a decade later, he misses the days when he was “just a barista” with no extra…
This piece is dedicated to Daria Whalen, a most excellent day one Patreon supporter whom we will cherish eternally. PHILADELPHIA, PA— This morning, an accidental ass-touch shook things up at a popular Philadelphia coffee chain when barista Amanda Baimer turned around with her palm outspread for a low-five and instead received a heaping handful of ass. “It was…
This piece is dedicated to Mat North, our first ever Patreon supporter whom we will always cherish. Eternal shoutouts. OKLAHOMA CITY, OK— Baristas at a local shop were in for a surprise when new patron Donald Mullen, who at first seemed much like any other cafe customer, made sure to let them know that because he used to…
LOS ANGELES, CA— This weekend saw the launch of a brand-new venture that promises a veritable utopia for service workers everywhere: a customer-free cafe. The cafe, which is for baristas only, will be run as a collective by a group of veteran LA spro-slingers. Our reporters attended the soft opening this weekend and caught up with the cafe…
WICHITA, KS— Barista Sara Katz was devastated this morning after finally tasting coffee cherries for the first time and discovering that they are, in fact, only moderately delicious when compared to actual coffee. At the time of the fateful tasting, Katz had been working in coffee for four years and wanted to taste actual dried coffee cherries, also…
SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Local customer Brian Dean received some serious shade today after making a joke about the fact that he didn’t intend to tip—a fateful decision which would permanently alter the course of his week. When Dean went to get his morning coffee from his usual shop, he was feeling especially gregarious. While being rung up, he…
CINCINNATI, OH— This morning, ambitious barista Sarah Metcalf proudly showed coworkers the expensive new specialty tamper she had custom-purchased online, just before dropping it on the floor and ruining the base. Metcalf, who has worked as a barista for three years and describes herself as “very passionate,” purchased the new tamper (a tool that compacts espresso grounds before…