Cafe, New Findings

New Research Shows That Not Being Able to Get Splenda Makes You Really Angry

Splenda packets in a white ramikin.

  Due to long-known health risks and ever-increasing general expenses, more and more cafes are refusing to carry Splenda and other alternative sweeteners—a decision that may come with severe and unintended consequences. New research released by the Center for Disease Control this morning shows that not being able to get Splenda can make frequent users very, very angry.   “While…

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Cafe

CA Cafes Required to Label Pumpkin Spice Lattes “Squash Spice”

Two hands reach into a pile of colorful pumpkins.

  OAKLAND, CA— Cafes all over the state of California are reeling as a new ruling mandates that all pumpkin spice beverages be labeled “squash spice.”   Douglas Hune, the judge responsible for the controversial ruling, had this to say at a press conference this morning: “I’m aware that to some, this might not seem justified, but it is our…

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Cafe, Customer Service

Communist Customer Doesn’t Tip Baristas Because Whole System is Fucked

A blonde man holds his hood over his head with a twinkle in his eyes. The photo is black and white.

  NEW YORK CITY, NY— Communist coffee shop customer Mitch Dryden doesn’t believe in tipping baristas; according to him, “the whole system is fucked, and tipping only validates that.”   Dryden, who works as a bike mechanic, used to work as barista but doesn’t believe in tipping. “It’s not about people as individuals, it’s about the system,” he said. “It’s…

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Cafe, Customer Service, New Products

Coffee-Fetching Robot Disrupts Morning Rush

A white robot with a small smile looks at the camera.

  BOSTON, MA— This morning in a local university’s robotics building, a coffee-fetching robot disrupted service and severely pissed off several baristas.   Creators were thrilled and excited to send Caffbot, the new robot they’ve engineered to fetch their morning brew, on his inaugural mission down to their favorite cafe. However, the mission didn’t quite go as planned.   When…

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Roasting

Temperature Probe Actually to Blame for Roasting Issue

A red and bright silver coffee roasting machine.

  MADISON, WI—The Wisconsin roasting community is in shock today after local roaster Mark Hule blamed his machine’s temperature probe for his consistently underdeveloped roasts and was actually right.   When Hule brought up the issue to the small roasting company’s owner, Lars Denton, he was immediately brushed off. “That’s what roasters always say when you criticize their coffee,” said…

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Cafe, New Products

Cafe Switches to Instant Coffee; Everyone Pleased

A hand holds a white cup of espresso on a white saucer at a wooden counter.

  NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK— A local cafe has switched its menu exclusively to instant coffee, to the reluctant but undeniable delight of baristas, customers, and management.   “I was really upset when I found out we were planning to switch to instant coffee, for obvious reasons,” lead barista Sloane Micheli told reporters. “I’m a barista because I like…

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Cafe, Coffee Events, Customer Service

Anti-Bias Training Teaches Baristas to Respect All Roast Levels

Students sit in a classroom, shown from the chest down, holding notebooks and pens.

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK— A local cafe chain is implementing a new anti-bias training program to teach baristas to respect coffees of all roast levels. While many are skeptical of the efficacy of anti-bias trainings, owner Helen Jones believes that it’s a necessary first step in eliminating bias not only in baristas, but in the wider community. “In third-wave coffee shops.…

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Inspiring People

Radical Nonprofit Brings Surfboards to Coffee Farmers

A surfer on the beach holding his board in front of an orange sunset.

  Two Sydney-based brothers recently launched the new nonprofit Earth Boards, geared toward helping coffee farmers succeed by providing them with surfboards. I sat down with co-founder Joe Goodwin to talk about how Earth Boards is changing the world.   RJ: Can you tell me how you and your brother got the inspiration for Earth Boards?   JG: My brother…

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Inspiring People, Roasting

Desperate for Solubility, Local Roaster Tries Roasting Darker

Coffee beans pour out of a white cup onto a checked cloth on a wooden floor.

  OAKLAND, CA— Desperately trying to increase solubility, one local roaster is trying a novel approach: roasting the coffee slightly darker for a slightly longer period of time.   “We’ve been banging our heads against the wall for so long on this one,” said Greg Lewin, head roaster and director of quality control for the popular local cafe and wholesaler.…

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