SEATTLE, WA— This week in Seattle, a new drink is desperately trying to get noticed: the cabbage latte. Made by stirring a small amount of dried, ground cabbage into an espresso shot before adding milk, the cabbage latte really wants to happen, but it seems like no one gives a shit enough to even dignify this as clickbait. …
Notorious iconoclast, coffee consultant, and two-time southeast regional barista champion Michael Kingston is rejecting known coffee doctrine once again as he pursues what he’s termed the omni-brew theory, which states that you can brew great coffee without adjusting any of your brewing variables, ever. I was lucky enough to sit down with Kingston and have a conversation about why…
DAVIS, CA— A shocking new study put out by UC Davis’s coffee campus has found that batch brew coffee comes with a dangerously common brewing error: not turning on the machine. After a series of rigorous testing over the last six months, the results are, according to the report, undeniable: at least one in five batches of batch…
PITTSBURGH, PA— Local barista Aisha Khan was disgruntled today when a regular customer at her coffee shop requested her friendship on Facebook. Our reporters hit the scene to investigate. “I mean, we interact a few times a week, but it’s not like we’re actual friends,” she told us. “I don’t want to share my political views and, like, pictures of…
PORTLAND, OR— This morning, a popular vegan cafe is enveloped in an angry horde of vegans protesting the cafe’s use of human labor. Fighting our way through handmade signs reading “End Vegan Hypocrisy” and “Stop Exploiting ALL Animals,” we got on the scene to investigate. “Humans are animals, too,” protester Eric Patton told us heatedly, pushing his blonde dreads out…
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we appreciate. BURLINGTON, VT— A popular Burlington cafe recently jettisoned its WiFi connection in a bid to encourage higher seat turnover within the cafe’s limited space as well as “to encourage customers to have conversations instead of just sitting on their computers.” Witnesses report that customer conversation has indeed increased,…
This piece is dedicated to Amanda Amato, Patreon supporter, badass, and friend. BUFFALO, NY— Feathers are ruffled all over the city of Buffalo as cafe owners and guests discover that a feminist vigilante has placed boxes of tampons in every cafe restroom across the city. “I think it’s a menace,” said Stephen Chell, owner of a popular cafe…
GREENSBORO, NC— The frustrations of one Greensboro cafe’s staff reached a boiling point today over the manager’s frequent and continual use of the popular Bitmoji app via texts, emails, on social media, and on the cafe’s Slack. The team members, many of whom have been with the cafe since it launched in 2010, called an impromptu meeting, refusing…
NEW YORK, NY— A brand-new coffee and electric unicycle shop opened in Brooklyn’s Crown Heights neighborhood only to be immediately vandalized, leaving the owners shocked and puzzled. “We built this for the community,” said Marielle Sloane-Knudson, who opened the shop with her partner, Dennis Knudson, after moving to Crown Heights from San Francisco because SF was “so over.”…
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our very excellent Patreon supporter. We couldn’t do this without him. PITTSBURGH, PA— When customer Martina Lane ordered an iced espresso in a large to-go cup this morning at a local cafe, she did the last thing anyone expected. Rather than immediately taking it over to the condiment station to fill it with milk and…