NEW YORK, NY— A brand-new coffee and electric unicycle shop opened in Brooklyn’s Crown Heights neighborhood only to be immediately vandalized, leaving the owners shocked and puzzled. “We built this for the community,” said Marielle Sloane-Knudson, who opened the shop with her partner, Dennis Knudson, after moving to Crown Heights from San Francisco because SF was “so over.”…
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our very excellent Patreon supporter. We couldn’t do this without him. PITTSBURGH, PA— When customer Martina Lane ordered an iced espresso in a large to-go cup this morning at a local cafe, she did the last thing anyone expected. Rather than immediately taking it over to the condiment station to fill it with milk and…
By Reed Liebezeit LOS ANGELES, CA— Barista Sebastian Benton had been back from break just one half hour today when he described his shop’s single origin espresso offering to a customer as “bright and fruity.” It was while filling a milk pitcher for a prior order that Benton wielded the description—completely by rote and without any consideration for…
by Camillia Nazanin PHILADELPHIA, PA— Mason Sutherland, a regular Philly cafe customer, just celebrated the two-year anniversary of what he calls “a great American novel in progress.” “It feels almost surreal to reach this milestone in my career,” said Sutherland, dressed comfortably in a navy-blue Nike jacket and sweats. “I’ve come up with this character, Jack, who…
RICHMOND, VA— Everything came to a halt at one Richmond cafe this morning as barista Terry Kyler made his coworker take a super cool picture of him throwing a latte so that it looked like he was using the force. “I really didn’t want to do it, but he just wouldn’t take no for an answer,” said barista…
By Chris Deferio KNOXVILLE, TN— Concerned customers and townspeople are milling about in confusion and wonder this morning after Lenny Welker, the closing barista at a local espresso bar, accidentally performed the perfect close and realized that the shop could never open again. Welker had been finishing the final item on the closing checklist when he realized…
SALT LAKE CITY, UT— Disaster struck this morning at a local cafe as barista Joe Green found out he did not get promoted to assistant manager and was subsequently super salty. Green had applied for the promotion the previous week, only to be passed up in favor of coworker Jill Yee, who currently works as a shift lead. “I think…
By Colton Kirby NASHVILLE, TN— A local popup coffee cart increased its net worth by 9.6% after acquiring a case of a popular oat-based milk alternative. To the cart’s owners, two 20-something self-professed coffee nerds, the decision came easily. “After looking at market research and crunching some numbers, it only made sense,” says CEO and marketing director…
By Sam Stoothoff This piece is dedicated to the ever-excellent Morgan Russell, our Patreon supporter whom we appreciate. ATLANTA, GA— Local barista Sean McAllister has been greeting everyone with “unusual warmth and compassion for the entirety of his shift,” according to reports. In a completely unrelated coincidence, he also happens to have run out of money until his next…
This piece is dedicated to Michael Boyette, Patreon supporter and my uncle, whose coffee is the best. PHILADELPHIA, PA— This week, one barista’s uncle made headlines when he won the Northeast Regional Barista Championship using Folgers and his trusted Mr Coffee. “I work at a third-wave coffee shop. I know what good coffee is supposed to taste like. But when…