SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Last night at a local latte art throwdown, barista Thomas Chin brought his own custom tamper and milk pitcher to make sure he could “truly demonstrate his best work.” In a perhaps-unrelated coincidence, no one likes him. “The tamper has razor-sharp edges to prevent channeling, and I also got my initials engraved on it,” he…
This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Zac Hyde CHARLESTON, SC— Staff at a local coffee shop in Charleston, SC were reportedly touched this morning when they arrived to work to find that new hire Stacy Chambers had still not yet become an irredeemably bitter cynic. Now entering…
OAKLAND, CA— Chaos erupted during the morning rush at a local cash-free cafe after the internet went down and stayed down for fifteen long minutes, preventing baristas from making any formal transactions. “It was like nothing I’ve ever seen before,” said customer Sarah Walabi, looking past me as she spoke. “The line was out the door and the…
By Camillia Nazanin NEW YORK, NY— Hamburgers. Doughnuts. Hot dogs. Pizza. The US has always been a melting pot where foreign treats undergo a metamorphosis and become hometown heroes, often to the chagrin of their original owners. The Italian affogato, an import already beloved in the States, is the latest treat to cause outcry from its motherland as…
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our most excellent Patreon supporter without whom we couldn’t do this. SEATTLE, WA— In a shocking and heartbreaking reversal, Seattle landlord Mike Marcon of Marcon Properties has received a 30-day eviction notice from a cafe owner couple to whom he rents space. He needs your help to cover the gap. Marcon got…
CINCINNATI, OH— Local mom Corinne Olson was banned from a popular Cincinnati cafe this morning after complaining that the kid’s temperature hot chocolate she ordered for her nine-year-old son Tyler was too cool. Olson, who frequents the cafe while working on her Etsy store, often brings her son along on his days off from school. She assumed that…
Due to long-known health risks and ever-increasing general expenses, more and more cafes are refusing to carry Splenda and other alternative sweeteners—a decision that may come with severe and unintended consequences. New research released by the Center for Disease Control this morning shows that not being able to get Splenda can make frequent users very, very angry. “While…
OAKLAND, CA— Cafes all over the state of California are reeling as a new ruling mandates that all pumpkin spice beverages be labeled “squash spice.” Douglas Hune, the judge responsible for the controversial ruling, had this to say at a press conference this morning: “I’m aware that to some, this might not seem justified, but it is our…
By Camillia Nazanin AUSTIN, TX— Angry customers are flooding the Yelp page of an Austin coffee shop following an unfortunate incident with a talkative visitor. Flutist Sebastian Chorno stopped by the cafe to get his caffeine fix before a performance, but quickly found himself in the company of vexed patrons. Our reporters reached out to Chorno for…
NEW YORK CITY, NY— Communist coffee shop customer Mitch Dryden doesn’t believe in tipping baristas; according to him, “the whole system is fucked, and tipping only validates that.” Dryden, who works as a bike mechanic, used to work as barista but doesn’t believe in tipping. “It’s not about people as individuals, it’s about the system,” he said. “It’s…