BOSTON, MA— This morning in a local university’s robotics building, a coffee-fetching robot disrupted service and severely pissed off several baristas. Creators were thrilled and excited to send Caffbot, the new robot they’ve engineered to fetch their morning brew, on his inaugural mission down to their favorite cafe. However, the mission didn’t quite go as planned. When…
By Adam Heffelfinger CLEVELAND, OH— Barista Seth Holstein was working through a typical brisk rush hour line early Tuesday morning when his day took an unexpected turn. Craig Johns, a 42-year veteran of Cleveland-based investment firm Stodges & Coller produced a crisp bill and placed it on the counter. “He asked me if I could break it…
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK— A local cafe has switched its menu exclusively to instant coffee, to the reluctant but undeniable delight of baristas, customers, and management. “I was really upset when I found out we were planning to switch to instant coffee, for obvious reasons,” lead barista Sloane Micheli told reporters. “I’m a barista because I like…
By Sam Stoothoff SPOKANE, WA— In a popular Spokane cafe, one resilient ficus is still alive despite being unwatered for over a year. Reports suggest that since plant-loving barista Jacqueline Fraiser left the cafe in late 2017, the ficus has been forgotten entirely. We hit the scene to get eyes on the inspiring tree and the crew…
OKLAHOMA CITY, OK— A local cafe chain is implementing a new anti-bias training program to teach baristas to respect coffees of all roast levels. While many are skeptical of the efficacy of anti-bias trainings, owner Helen Jones believes that it’s a necessary first step in eliminating bias not only in baristas, but in the wider community. “In third-wave coffee shops.…
By Jack Crisfield LONDON, UK— The owner of an award-winning South London coffee shop was left shocked today as a fresh-off-the-boat Australian told her that good coffee simply cannot be found in London. Shane Brown of Melbourne Australia, who has lived in the UK for two weeks, insisted that “there’s just nothing good here” during a conversation…
OAKLAND, CA— Desperately trying to increase solubility, one local roaster is trying a novel approach: roasting the coffee slightly darker for a slightly longer period of time. “We’ve been banging our heads against the wall for so long on this one,” said Greg Lewin, head roaster and director of quality control for the popular local cafe and wholesaler.…
DAVIS, CA— A shocking new study put out by UC Davis’s coffee campus has found that batch brew coffee comes with a dangerously common brewing error: not turning on the machine. After a series of rigorous testing over the last six months, the results are, according to the report, undeniable: at least one in five batches of batch…
PORTLAND, OR— This morning, a popular vegan cafe is enveloped in an angry horde of vegans protesting the cafe’s use of human labor. Fighting our way through handmade signs reading “End Vegan Hypocrisy” and “Stop Exploiting ALL Animals,” we got on the scene to investigate. “Humans are animals, too,” protester Eric Patton told us heatedly, pushing his blonde dreads out…
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we appreciate. BURLINGTON, VT— A popular Burlington cafe recently jettisoned its WiFi connection in a bid to encourage higher seat turnover within the cafe’s limited space as well as “to encourage customers to have conversations instead of just sitting on their computers.” Witnesses report that customer conversation has indeed increased,…