SEATTLE, WA— Coffee millionaire Mike Newton announced the launch of a Kickstarter for his latest venture, a new roasting company that he says will be “super cool,” and “a game-changer.” Newton, who previously grew a successful roasting company that he then sold for millions, feels that launching his newest venture via Kickstarter will help get the project some…
PORTLAND, ME— Local roaster Pete Lopez learns so much every day he roasts coffee—mainly from listening to podcasts. “I’ve been so grateful to be able to learn to roast. Since then, I’ve never stopped learning; every day, I learn so much.” Most of this learning, he says, is from listening to podcasts while he mindlessly roasts according to…
By Camillia Nazanan CAMBRIDGE, MA— Coffee enthusiasts with the desire to witness spacetime twisting in on itself finally have reason to rejoice. A Cambridge cafe with a sizable student following has debuted its newest product, the Black Hole Mocha, which promises patrons the taste sensation and physics lesson of a lifetime. Our reporters rushed to the unveiling,…
KNOXVILLE, TN— One Knoxville cafe really loves Jesus but is also super chill and doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable. “We want the space to be comfortable to all people, so they can interact with the Lord’s energy in a way that’s on their level,” owner Mike Lester told the Knockbox. “We try to keep it secular because…
SAN FRANCISCO, CA— This morning, local cafe customer Cathy Samuels stated that the drip coffee she was attempting to purchase was too expensive. “Why should a cup of coffee cost 2.50?” Samuels told reporters. “It’s ridiculous. What am I, a millionaire?” Samuels, who works as a product manager for a popular software company, lives in San Francisco’s Mission…
By Camillia Nazanin This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our most excellent Patreon supporter without whom we couldn’t do this. ST. LOUIS, MO— Leila Quinn, a recent hire at a bustling St. Louis cafe, received a slew of negative feedback from coworkers after casually revealing her preference for iced cappuccinos. Previously a barista at Starbucks, Quinn was…
Alarming new findings released today by a prominent coffee research and development nonprofit show that the process of roasting coffee brings with it extreme and direct negative impacts on farmers’ ability to grow coffee. “Our mission is and has always been to increase the global supply of quality coffee while improving the lives of those who produce it,”…
CLEVELAND, OH— This morning, during a popular cafe’s morning rush, barista Leila Tehrani watched a fruit fly hover around, then slowly crawl towards, a freshly-made cappuccino, only to enter the drink just as she called the customer’s name. “I was steaming milk and pulling a shot for the drink, and this fruit fly was hovering around,” Tehrani, a…
LOS ANGELES, CA— Local roaster Brian Mendez has received some pushback this morning after requesting four days off in January; even more troubling, our sources say he’s not alone in this experience. “I asked for a week off in January, you know, giving them a couple months notice,” he told our reporters. “My manager was like, who’s going…
This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Nathanael May CHARLOTTE, NC— Eschewing the standard options of “melted ice cream” and “wet paint,” local barista and aspiring shift lead Braedyn Kellson discovered what she believed to be the perfect analogy for teaching new baristas the expected texture of properly steamed…