DAVIS, CA— A new study released by UC Davis’s Coffee Campus this morning shows a shocking trend: an average of 97% of baristas laugh at the term “cupping” the first time they hear it. According to the report, the term “cupping,” which coffee professionals use to refer to a simple and standardized immersion brew used for assessing quality,…
Author: RJ Joseph
Post-Coffee Farm Visit, Barista Finally Understands How Difficult it is to Pick Coffee
JACKSONVILLE, FL— Barista Maria Alexie recently came back from her first-ever trip to a coffee farm, and according to sources, she now “really gets” that it’s difficult to pick coffee and is “so impressed” by what farmers do. “Whenever I would hear green buyers talk about working with producers on making sure to pick only ripe cherry, I…
New Water Additive Allows You to Brew Coffee With Water
MELBOURNE, AU— Entrepreneur and three-time Australian barista champion Stephen Volpe recently announced the launch of a new water additive that will “finally make it possible to brew great coffee with water.” “As many of you know, coffee is 98% water,” he told reporters in a recent press conference. “So the water matters. But right now, the water we…
Erotic Cafe Brings Awkward Latte Art to Phoenix
PHOENIX, AZ— Inspired by her favorite erotic bakery, local entrepreneur and regional barista champion Maisy Kean recently launched the country’s first erotic cafe. We attended the launch party to see what all the buzz was about and found a happy, spirited crowd sipping free espresso bevs. “When I lived in SF for school, the best bakery in town…
Cafe Customer Displeased After Stepping in Dog Water Dish
LOUIS, MO— Cafe customer Steven Kade stepped in a dog’s water dish today while getting up from his table, splashing his pants with dog mouth water and becoming profoundly displeased. Our reporters hit the scene to investigate. Dog-owner Karen Ling found the incident regrettable. “I asked the barista for some water for my dog Misty,” she told us.…
Barista No One Likes Brings Own Tamper, Pitcher to Latte Art Throwdown
SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Last night at a local latte art throwdown, barista Thomas Chin brought his own custom tamper and milk pitcher to make sure he could “truly demonstrate his best work.” In a perhaps-unrelated coincidence, no one likes him. “The tamper has razor-sharp edges to prevent channeling, and I also got my initials engraved on it,” he…
Chaos at Cash-Free Cafe After Internet Down for 15 Minutes
OAKLAND, CA— Chaos erupted during the morning rush at a local cash-free cafe after the internet went down and stayed down for fifteen long minutes, preventing baristas from making any formal transactions. “It was like nothing I’ve ever seen before,” said customer Sarah Walabi, looking past me as she spoke. “The line was out the door and the…
At ASIC Conference, Science Experts Strongly Recommend Measuring Shit
PORTLAND, OR— Last week, the Association for Science and Information on Coffee (ASIC) held its 27th biennial conference in Portland and shone a light on several critical issues affecting the future of coffee. Overall, they say, we as an industry really, really need to start measuring shit. “As an industry, it’s super important that we work at consistently…
Landlord Receives 30-Day Eviction Notice From Cafe Owners, Launches Crowdfund
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our most excellent Patreon supporter without whom we couldn’t do this. SEATTLE, WA— In a shocking and heartbreaking reversal, Seattle landlord Mike Marcon of Marcon Properties has received a 30-day eviction notice from a cafe owner couple to whom he rents space. He needs your help to cover the gap. Marcon got…
Mom Banned from Cafe After Complaining that Kid’s Temperature Hot Chocolate Too Cool
CINCINNATI, OH— Local mom Corinne Olson was banned from a popular Cincinnati cafe this morning after complaining that the kid’s temperature hot chocolate she ordered for her nine-year-old son Tyler was too cool. Olson, who frequents the cafe while working on her Etsy store, often brings her son along on his days off from school. She assumed that…