I get it. I have a hole on top where you can toss stuff in. That must be kind of confusing. But just for the record: I am not, in fact, a garbage can. I am a tip jar.
Opinion: I Am Not A Garbage Can—I Am A Tip Jar.
Year: 2019
Customer Spirals Into Existential Crisis When Asked If Room Needed On Top Of Coffee
Local grocer Scott Samuels narrowly avoided a swift descent into madness this week when asked by his barista if he needed room on top of his coffee.
Woke Cafe Customer Takes His Coffee “Without Color”
Customers at a well-known Chicago cafe were intrigued when 25-year-old Damien Yorke, a PhD student in the Department of Psychology at DePaul University, openly announced his New Year’s resolution to start taking his drinks “without color.”
Customer Finds Perfect Place to Hide Dirty Napkin
After enjoying a cup of single-origin batch brew and a vegan muffin, customer Clarence Stevenson noticed a small gap between the table and the wall of the cafe and realized it was the exact right spot to hide his dirty napkin.
Food Journalist Writes Uninformed Coffee Article
Earlier today, nationally-renowned food journalist Russ Dewitt published a controversial article on the specialty coffee industry. The piece, which criticized specialty coffee shops for charging too much for coffee, consulted no specialty coffee professionals or coffee farmers, included no apparent research into the subject at hand, and was, in fact, based on almost nothing.
New Barista Miraculously Dials In Espresso Despite Forgetting Extraction Theory
This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Josh Rank DUBUQUE, IA– New hire Stephan Grant was shocked to find the espresso he had been dialing in didn’t taste like hot garbage despite having zero recollection of extraction theory. “It’s amazing,” said Grant. “It’s truly like Perger was watching over me.…
Customer Seeking Freshest Beans Inquires About Beans From The Future
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Caroline Robb NEW ORLEANS, LA— David Lewis, long-time occasional coffee buyer at a popular neighborhood roaster, has always exhibited the highest standards for his take-home pick. “It has to be the freshest,” he told Knockbox reporters in a press conference this morning. “If…
Customer Interprets Pour Over Bloom as Affront to Society
This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Josh Rank BIRMINGHAM, AL– Local mortician David Hallmark watched in horror as a barista at a local cafe started making his pour-over coffee and then, inexplicably, stopped. “He was chugging right along, grinding the beans, getting the water,” said Hallmark. “Then he started…
Family-Owned Cafe Launches New “Dying Wage” Project
A small, family-owned Erie cafe is changing how people think about compensation in the coffee industry. In what they’re calling the Dying Wage Project, they have made a public pledge to pay each of their nine employees as little as is legally allowed, even knowing that over time, this will erode their mental and physical health, leave them no safety net in the event of emergencies, and, essentially, slowly kill them.
Breaking News: Cafe Owner Just Pulled Into Parking Lot
This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Josh Rank ALBUQUERQUE, NM – Breaking news. Story will be updated as events unfold. 4:33 P.M. Brenda Halbock, barista at a popular family-owned cafe, told reporters she saw a black hatchback pull into the lot. Yes, she’s sure it was a hatchback, but…