by Matthew Helms
DENVER, CO— Frustration reigned supreme on Saturday morning when Gladys Albrecht, who was in the area visiting her adult son, joined him for coffee at his favorite cafe, only to find that the “pretentious” establishment wasn’t serving anything that she likes.
Her son Bryan, an accountant and self-described “coffee-nerd,” said he felt badly about the whole experience.
“When she found out they don’t have sugar-free syrups or white mochas,” he explained, “I suggested she try one of their signature beverages, which are really good and pretty unique—something she can’t get back home. They’re almost like cocktails, little works of art, and the baristas put a lot of care into making them. But she just wouldn’t do it.”
“Never mind the syrups,” the elder Albrecht interjected. “They couldn’t even make a latte the size I wanted. Like twenty ounces is weird or something.”
Maizy Shohara, who was on bar at the time of the incident, was taken aback by Albrecht’s growing frustration. “We get that occasionally,” the barista admitted, “but we only have three sizes of to-go cups. Eight, twelve, and sixteen ounces. I don’t wanna sound like a dick, but sixteen ounces is a lot of milk, right? How can that not be enough in a latte? It’s a pint.”
Albrecht eventually settled on a large drip coffee. But even then, she was disappointed.
“They didn’t have a dark roast!” she balked.
“She’s accustomed to that roasty, bitter profile,” her son explained.
“It’s not bitter when I add stevia and heavy cream,” Albrecht added, “but they didn’t even have those!” She then went on to wait for him outside, where witnesses described her as “sulking.”
As Albrecht exited the cafe, a visibly shaken Bryan confided to our reporter that he regretted his decision to bring his mother to the popular specialty coffee shop.
“We have a pretty big day planned,” he lamented. “I hope she can bounce back from this.”
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Matt Helms is or has been a woodworker, actor, barista, trail runner, and writer. He lives in Portland, Oregon with his wife and daughters and their beloved chiweenie, Lulu.
