By Josh Rank
WASHBURN, ND— A hero walked through the cafe doors 90 seconds before closing at a local coffee shop on Tuesday.
“It would have been fine if he had just wanted a cold brew or something,” said closing barista Sara Pilea. “But somehow he managed to be worse than the guy that almost fought me because we don’t have a blender.”
Two hours earlier, a different man in a semi-agitated state ordered “one of those cold frap things.” The cafe, however, restricts their cold beverages to iced lattes.
“I told him we didn’t have those, and he short-circuited,” said Pilea. “He threw his keys on the pastry case and huffed like a dog when it thinks it hears something outside but isn’t sure.” The customer left before the manager had a chance to demand he do so.
“We spent the night in complete disbelief of this frap-fanatic, but then comes Last Minute Guy and Blender Boy seemed like a saint.”
Pilea looked up from the drawer she was counting as the customer entered the coffee shop. “He was either drunk or recently gained the ability to walk,” she said. “He knocked over the tip jar and just laughed. Then he asked for free pastries because we were ‘going to throw them away anyway.’”
The man proceeded to order three cappuccinos, which would include not only using the already-backflushed groupheads, but re-dirtying the steam wands.
“So I go ahead and make his drinks while he wanders around and call them out when they’re done. Then ol’ Last Minute Dickhead knocks one over, grabs a different one, and leaves the third on the countertop.” Pilea shakes her head as she recalls the crime scene. “It was like he was trying to screw everything up as much as possible.”
The man disappeared into the night and presumably drove his car straight through the NICU of a local hospital.
If you laughed, support The Knockbox with a monthly or one-time donation through our Patreon or Cashapp.
Josh Rank is a writer and coffee shop worker person. He is thirty feet tall and invisible. More ramblings can be found at www.joshrank.com.
