By Josh Rank
HARRISBURG, PA— Local grocer Scott Samuels narrowly avoided a swift descent into madness this week when asked by his barista if he needed room on top of his coffee.
“His eyes glazed over and I think I saw a couple drops of saliva fall out of his mouth,” said the barista who asked to remain anonymous. “It looked like he experienced a full year in the span of ten seconds.”
Samuels was able to reconfigure his consciousness before a line could form behind him.
“I just hadn’t heard it phrased like that before,” he said. “It felt like I was shot into space, but like, away from the sun. Everything kinda dimmed and I just…I don’t know, it was wild. I forgot about myself as a being. Does that make sense? I was just an idea and I had to try really hard to pull myself back to reality. I stared into the abyss and I didn’t like what I saw.”
Finally, Samuels was able to quickly nod in affirmation. The barista filled the cup with coffee but not all the way to the top.
“To be honest, I didn’t really want the coffee after that,” admitted Samuels. “My heart already felt like it was going to explode and my mouth was really dry. I think I put some sugar and stuff in it, but I don’t really know. I had to go sit down for a while.”
Samuels has yet to return to the coffee shop, not out of embarrassment, but fear that his entire worldview would again be called into question.
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