By Sam Stoothoff
PITTSBURGH, PA— After enjoying a cup of single-origin batch brew and a vegan muffin, customer Clarence Stevenson noticed a small gap between the table and the wall of the cafe and realized it was the exact right spot to hide his dirty napkin.
“I’ve never been a very creative person but when I saw that crack, inspiration struck,” Stevenson told the Knockbox in an exclusive interview. “I figured it’d be a great place to stuff my dirty napkin.” Whether driven by shame or madcap genius, Clarence acted with a clarity of purpose. “I stuffed that baby right down in there. Watching it disappear felt right, you know? Like my whole life had led to this moment.”
Nearby customers went on with their days, blissfully unaware of Clarence’s magnum opus. After finishing his cup of coffee Clarence simply up and left, taking the secret of his soiled napkin with him. “It felt like a mystery only I knew the answer to; it was exhilarating.”
According to reports, neither the barista on shift at the time, the mid-shift baristas, or even the closer were able to discover the napkin. For a time, it seemed as though no one would solve this beguiling puzzle—not until three weeks later, when assistant manager Lauri Van Nostrun noticed a fleck of white peeking up from the crevice. After delicately plucking at it, she dislodged the napkin, scattering crusty muffin crumbs across the table, and—according to witnesses at the scene—swearing repeatedly, noting that there was a trash can not two steps away.
Sam Stoothoff is currently living the dream in Brooklyn. His credits include the occasional good tweet that can be found @sam_stache.
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