OAKLAND, CA— Cafes all over the state of California are reeling as a new ruling mandates that all pumpkin spice beverages be labeled “squash spice.” Douglas Hune, the judge responsible for the controversial ruling, had this to say at a press conference this morning: “I’m aware that to some, this might not seem justified, but it is our…
By Camillia Nazanin AUSTIN, TX— Angry customers are flooding the Yelp page of an Austin coffee shop following an unfortunate incident with a talkative visitor. Flutist Sebastian Chorno stopped by the cafe to get his caffeine fix before a performance, but quickly found himself in the company of vexed patrons. Our reporters reached out to Chorno for…
NEW YORK CITY, NY— Communist coffee shop customer Mitch Dryden doesn’t believe in tipping baristas; according to him, “the whole system is fucked, and tipping only validates that.” Dryden, who works as a bike mechanic, used to work as barista but doesn’t believe in tipping. “It’s not about people as individuals, it’s about the system,” he said. “It’s…
BOSTON, MA— This morning in a local university’s robotics building, a coffee-fetching robot disrupted service and severely pissed off several baristas. Creators were thrilled and excited to send Caffbot, the new robot they’ve engineered to fetch their morning brew, on his inaugural mission down to their favorite cafe. However, the mission didn’t quite go as planned. When…
Have you ever wanted to make excellent cold brew at home without all the mess? A revolutionary new brewing device called the KōldBruer could be the answer. According to a recent press release, the device lets you pour water directly over coffee grounds, letting them sit as long as you like. When it’s time to decant, it utilizes…
MADISON, WI—The Wisconsin roasting community is in shock today after local roaster Mark Hule blamed his machine’s temperature probe for his consistently underdeveloped roasts and was actually right. When Hule brought up the issue to the small roasting company’s owner, Lars Denton, he was immediately brushed off. “That’s what roasters always say when you criticize their coffee,” said…
By Adam Heffelfinger CLEVELAND, OH— Barista Seth Holstein was working through a typical brisk rush hour line early Tuesday morning when his day took an unexpected turn. Craig Johns, a 42-year veteran of Cleveland-based investment firm Stodges & Coller produced a crisp bill and placed it on the counter. “He asked me if I could break it…
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK— A local cafe has switched its menu exclusively to instant coffee, to the reluctant but undeniable delight of baristas, customers, and management. “I was really upset when I found out we were planning to switch to instant coffee, for obvious reasons,” lead barista Sloane Micheli told reporters. “I’m a barista because I like…
By Sam Stoothoff SPOKANE, WA— In a popular Spokane cafe, one resilient ficus is still alive despite being unwatered for over a year. Reports suggest that since plant-loving barista Jacqueline Fraiser left the cafe in late 2017, the ficus has been forgotten entirely. We hit the scene to get eyes on the inspiring tree and the crew…
OKLAHOMA CITY, OK— A local cafe chain is implementing a new anti-bias training program to teach baristas to respect coffees of all roast levels. While many are skeptical of the efficacy of anti-bias trainings, owner Helen Jones believes that it’s a necessary first step in eliminating bias not only in baristas, but in the wider community. “In third-wave coffee shops.…