By Mat North RED BANK, NJ— As word of a growing conflict over plant-based milk alternatives in one New Jersey cafe spread throughout the internet, the Knockbox hit the scene to investigate. Over the previous week, a fight had broken out over the management’s choice of plant-based milk alternative, sundering the unity the formerly tight-knit team had…
LOUIS, MO— Cafe customer Steven Kade stepped in a dog’s water dish today while getting up from his table, splashing his pants with dog mouth water and becoming profoundly displeased. Our reporters hit the scene to investigate. Dog-owner Karen Ling found the incident regrettable. “I asked the barista for some water for my dog Misty,” she told us.…
SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Last night at a local latte art throwdown, barista Thomas Chin brought his own custom tamper and milk pitcher to make sure he could “truly demonstrate his best work.” In a perhaps-unrelated coincidence, no one likes him. “The tamper has razor-sharp edges to prevent channeling, and I also got my initials engraved on it,” he…
This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Zac Hyde CHARLESTON, SC— Staff at a local coffee shop in Charleston, SC were reportedly touched this morning when they arrived to work to find that new hire Stacy Chambers had still not yet become an irredeemably bitter cynic. Now entering…
OAKLAND, CA— Chaos erupted during the morning rush at a local cash-free cafe after the internet went down and stayed down for fifteen long minutes, preventing baristas from making any formal transactions. “It was like nothing I’ve ever seen before,” said customer Sarah Walabi, looking past me as she spoke. “The line was out the door and the…
PORTLAND, OR— Last week, the Association for Science and Information on Coffee (ASIC) held its 27th biennial conference in Portland and shone a light on several critical issues affecting the future of coffee. Overall, they say, we as an industry really, really need to start measuring shit. “As an industry, it’s super important that we work at consistently…
By Camillia Nazanin NEW YORK, NY— Hamburgers. Doughnuts. Hot dogs. Pizza. The US has always been a melting pot where foreign treats undergo a metamorphosis and become hometown heroes, often to the chagrin of their original owners. The Italian affogato, an import already beloved in the States, is the latest treat to cause outcry from its motherland as…
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our most excellent Patreon supporter without whom we couldn’t do this. SEATTLE, WA— In a shocking and heartbreaking reversal, Seattle landlord Mike Marcon of Marcon Properties has received a 30-day eviction notice from a cafe owner couple to whom he rents space. He needs your help to cover the gap. Marcon got…
CINCINNATI, OH— Local mom Corinne Olson was banned from a popular Cincinnati cafe this morning after complaining that the kid’s temperature hot chocolate she ordered for her nine-year-old son Tyler was too cool. Olson, who frequents the cafe while working on her Etsy store, often brings her son along on his days off from school. She assumed that…
Due to long-known health risks and ever-increasing general expenses, more and more cafes are refusing to carry Splenda and other alternative sweeteners—a decision that may come with severe and unintended consequences. New research released by the Center for Disease Control this morning shows that not being able to get Splenda can make frequent users very, very angry. “While…