Cafe, Coffee Events, New Products

New Black Hole Mocha Perfect for Fans of Strong Coffee Who Also Never Want to Be Seen Again

A charcoal latter in a black cup sits on a white table.

  By Camillia Nazanan   CAMBRIDGE, MA— Coffee enthusiasts with the desire to witness spacetime twisting in on itself finally have reason to rejoice. A Cambridge cafe with a sizable student following has debuted its newest product, the Black Hole Mocha, which promises patrons the taste sensation and physics lesson of a lifetime.   Our reporters rushed to the unveiling,…

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Cafe, Customer Service

Coffee Too Expensive, Says Customer

A white cup of brown coffee on a white saucer with a silver spoon.

  SAN FRANCISCO, CA— This morning, local cafe customer Cathy Samuels stated that the drip coffee she was attempting to purchase was too expensive.   “Why should a cup of coffee cost 2.50?” Samuels told reporters. “It’s ridiculous. What am I, a millionaire?” Samuels, who works as a product manager for a popular software company, lives in San Francisco’s Mission…

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Cafe, Staff Drama

New Cafe Hire Admits Love of Iced Cappuccinos, Immediately Regrets It

An iced cappuccino on a white and red polka dot table.

  By Camillia Nazanin   This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our most excellent Patreon supporter without whom we couldn’t do this.    ST. LOUIS, MO— Leila Quinn, a recent hire at a bustling St. Louis cafe, received a slew of negative feedback from coworkers after casually revealing her preference for iced cappuccinos.   Previously a barista at Starbucks, Quinn was…

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Green Coffee, New Findings, Roasting

New Findings Suggest Roasting Coffee Bad for Coffee Farmers

Roasted coffee beans.

  Alarming new findings released today by a prominent coffee research and development nonprofit show that the process of roasting coffee brings with it extreme and direct negative impacts on farmers’ ability to grow coffee.   “Our mission is and has always been to increase the global supply of quality coffee while improving the lives of those who produce it,”…

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Cafe, Education, Inspiring People

Barista Thinks of Perfect Analogy for Microfoamed Milk

A barista holds a white cappuccino cup and pours perfectly textured milk into espresso.

  This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate.   By Nathanael May   CHARLOTTE, NC— Eschewing the standard options of “melted ice cream” and “wet paint,” local barista and aspiring shift lead Braedyn Kellson discovered what she believed to be the perfect analogy for teaching new baristas the expected texture of properly steamed…

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Cafe, Customer Service

Barista Calls Customer by Wrong Name for 6 Months; Customer Reportedly Okay With It

A counter at a coffee shop with a to-go cup that says Scott on the sleeve.

  By Christopher Vasquez   PORTLAND, OR— A barista at one Portland cafe came face-to-face with his own shortcomings when it became apparent that he had spent the last six months calling regular customer Mark Wilde by the wrong name. The customer is reportedly both unoffended and unphased.   According to witnesses, barista Eddie Wong had called out, “Hey Scott,…

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Cafe, Customer Service

Pittsburgh Baristas Fired For Playing Alanis Morissette

Alanis Morissette smiling at the sky.

  PITTSBURGH, PA— This week at a high-volume university cafe, two baristas were fired after playing Alanis Morissette’s classic album “Jagged Little Pill,” during the mid-morning lull.   The altercation began when university professor Jill Redkin came over to complain about the music, which was playing at a moderate volume in the space.   “I asked them if it wasn’t…

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