This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Josh Rank DUBUQUE, IA– New hire Stephan Grant was shocked to find the espresso he had been dialing in didn’t taste like hot garbage despite having zero recollection of extraction theory. “It’s amazing,” said Grant. “It’s truly like Perger was watching over me.…
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Caroline Robb NEW ORLEANS, LA— David Lewis, long-time occasional coffee buyer at a popular neighborhood roaster, has always exhibited the highest standards for his take-home pick. “It has to be the freshest,” he told Knockbox reporters in a press conference this morning. “If…
This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Josh Rank BIRMINGHAM, AL– Local mortician David Hallmark watched in horror as a barista at a local cafe started making his pour-over coffee and then, inexplicably, stopped. “He was chugging right along, grinding the beans, getting the water,” said Hallmark. “Then he started…
A small, family-owned Erie cafe is changing how people think about compensation in the coffee industry. In what they’re calling the Dying Wage Project, they have made a public pledge to pay each of their nine employees as little as is legally allowed, even knowing that over time, this will erode their mental and physical health, leave them no safety net in the event of emergencies, and, essentially, slowly kill them.
This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Josh Rank ALBUQUERQUE, NM – Breaking news. Story will be updated as events unfold. 4:33 P.M. Brenda Halbock, barista at a popular family-owned cafe, told reporters she saw a black hatchback pull into the lot. Yes, she’s sure it was a hatchback, but…
By William Tanzarian In a stunning turn of events, a Pomeranian named Wigglebutt has won the US Barista Championship. The four-year-old pure-bred bested many season barista competitors in its first year of competition and now moves on the World Barista Championship later this year. Wigglebutt’s victory was decisive, with many spectators stating the route was “as moving…
By Eric Dong This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we appreciate. WALNUT CREEK, CA— A local coffee shop’s attempt at using homemade charcoal powders has received mixed reviews from customers and USDA. “Our espresso is a Columbia-Papua New Guinea blend with notes of dense dark chocolate, vanilla, and a buttery mouthfeel,” owner Jack Haney told Knockbox…
This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Josh Rank COLUMBUS, OH– Part-time barista Kyle Fleming set a personal record this afternoon by marking items off the closing checklist without actually doing them for the third consecutive day. “I really thought I was pushing it with two days in a row,”…
This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Eric Dong KAILUA-KONA, HI— Chaos broke out at a local cafe today after new hire and ex-Starbucks employee Gabriel Scott posed a hypothetical scenario in which a guest orders an iced cappuccino, sparking a loud and heated debate. Although the conflict began mid-shift,…
This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Zac Hyde In what surely comes as shocking news to the milk-alternative drinking community, millions of baby oats around the globe are apparently being deprived of adequate nourishment as demands for oat milk skyrocket among humans, according to a recent study. The public response to…