This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our most excellent Patreon supporter without whom we couldn’t do this. By Adam Heffelfinger ANNAPOLIS, MD— The morning rush was in full swing at one local coffee shop this morning when housewife Julianne Akers reached the front of the queue. Akers, 44, received a cordial greeting from barista Rachael Ng, 27, who…
By Jackson O’Brien MINNEAPOLIS, MN— Local barista Natalie Krueger has spent the last few months pondering the mystery of a regular customer who, for unknown reasons, continues to order lattes and augment them with cream from the condiment bar. Knockbox reporters hit the scene to investigate. “The first time I saw him do it, I thought it…
ATLANTA, GA— The Center for Disease Control and Prevention released a statement this morning warning New Years party-goers to refrain from mixing coffee and alcohol, a combination which they warn could be dangerous, even deadly. “Remember Four Loko?” said CDC communications director Mark Leary. “Coffee cocktails follow the same principle. You can’t mix uppers and downers—it’s known to…
KNOXVILLE, TN— This Christmas, one inspiring cafe set a shining example by donating all Christmas-day proceeds to the American Red Cross. We hit the scene to investigate and get a little taste of their true holiday spirit. The cafe was all a-bustle with customers in from all over town to celebrate and donate. The air was laden with…
MORRISTOWN, NJ— According to recent reports, local mom Mary Schooner used the new pourover drip cone given to her by her son Michael once, before reverting to her tried-and-true Keurig. “It was a really nice gift,” she told the Knockbox. “Really, I love it!” Nevertheless, reports say, she used it once, while Michael was in the room,…
This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Sam Stoothoff BROOKLYN, NEW YORK— After several years of continued maintenance, baristas at a popular local cafe were astonished to find their modular espresso machine functioning exactly as an espresso machine should. Instead of a steam wand not functioning or water…
By Chris Kornman PIATÃ, BR— Deep in the high plateaus of Chapada Diamantina, in the heart of Brazil’s vast state of Bahia, Valentina Pereira Souza has cracked the code of an entirely new wave of coffee processing. “An agronomist told me that coffee processing equipment manufacturer Pinhalense invented pulped natural process in Mogiana years ago,” said Pereira,…
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we appreciate. By Jack Crisfield LONDON, UK— Coffee shop regular Robin Bellhouse left his favorite cafe a bad review on TripAdvisor yesterday after being recommended a single-origin filter coffee that was, according to Bellhouse, “deceptively advertised,” and “really a ripoff.” “I have popped in every morning…
By William Tanzarian Listen, I get it. I’m not just some customer who comes in and bastardizes all your hard work by adding loads of milk and sugar. Sure, I’ve never actually been a barista before, but I own a kettle and I grind my own beans at home, so I understand what it’s like to really put…
This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Lanny Huang DETROIT, MI— At approximately 8:26pm last Sunday, sources reported that local barista Miles Thomas lost a distribution screw down the drain at the coffee shop where he’d just started working during a solo closing shift. “It happened so fast,”…