SALT LAKE CITY, UT— Disaster struck this morning at a local cafe as barista Joe Green found out he did not get promoted to assistant manager and was subsequently super salty. Green had applied for the promotion the previous week, only to be passed up in favor of coworker Jill Yee, who currently works as a shift lead. “I think…
By Colton Kirby NASHVILLE, TN— A local popup coffee cart increased its net worth by 9.6% after acquiring a case of a popular oat-based milk alternative. To the cart’s owners, two 20-something self-professed coffee nerds, the decision came easily. “After looking at market research and crunching some numbers, it only made sense,” says CEO and marketing director…
By Sam Stoothoff This piece is dedicated to the ever-excellent Morgan Russell, our Patreon supporter whom we appreciate. ATLANTA, GA— Local barista Sean McAllister has been greeting everyone with “unusual warmth and compassion for the entirety of his shift,” according to reports. In a completely unrelated coincidence, he also happens to have run out of money until his next…
This piece is dedicated to Michael Boyette, Patreon supporter and my uncle, whose coffee is the best. PHILADELPHIA, PA— This week, one barista’s uncle made headlines when he won the Northeast Regional Barista Championship using Folgers and his trusted Mr Coffee. “I work at a third-wave coffee shop. I know what good coffee is supposed to taste like. But when…
SAN FRANCISCO, CA— The Fourth of July was ruined for the crew of one local cafe when an overzealous guest wearing an Uncle Sam outfit walked around the shop for several hours calling all of the baristas and customers snowflakes and yelling the lyrics to “She’s a Grand Old Flag.” We got on the scene to investigate and…
By Robert Galbraith After four grueling days of tasting, winners were announced at this year’s Cup of Excellence competition yesterday afternoon, with seven of the top ten spots held by the much-celebrated Geisha variety. “We all cheered and gave each other high fives when we heard a Geisha had won. That it also went on to take…
If you needed another reason to grab a mug of your favorite morning brew, a recent study has found that coffee has the ability to very slightly improve your penmanship. The study, which researchers are hailing as just one more proof that you should drink coffee as much as possible, showed that people who had at least two…
This piece is dedicated to Nathanael May, one of our first Patreon supporters, to whom we are forever grateful. WASHINGTON, D.C.— A joyous day was had by all at one D.C. cafe last Saturday when several local patrons brought their dogs—all of whom were service dogs, not just pets—along for their weekend latte. All throughout the long summer…
SEATTLE, WA— Local coffee shop owner Shawn Jameson misses the days when he was “just a barista.” Jameson purchased his small coffee shop eight years ago, wanting to own his own space and run a shop the way he envisioned. Now, almost a decade later, he misses the days when he was “just a barista” with no extra…
This piece is dedicated to Daria Whalen, a most excellent day one Patreon supporter whom we will cherish eternally. PHILADELPHIA, PA— This morning, an accidental ass-touch shook things up at a popular Philadelphia coffee chain when barista Amanda Baimer turned around with her palm outspread for a low-five and instead received a heaping handful of ass. “It was…