This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Colton Kirby NEW YORK, NY— Over the weekend, eager new barista Freddie Stapp read a blog post by a former world barista champion regarding extraction percentages and TDS numbers. Heavy with the knowledge that his cafe was failing to utilize, Stapp showed…
By Mat North RED BANK, NJ— As word of a growing conflict over plant-based milk alternatives in one New Jersey cafe spread throughout the internet, the Knockbox hit the scene to investigate. Over the previous week, a fight had broken out over the management’s choice of plant-based milk alternative, sundering the unity the formerly tight-knit team had…
SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Last night at a local latte art throwdown, barista Thomas Chin brought his own custom tamper and milk pitcher to make sure he could “truly demonstrate his best work.” In a perhaps-unrelated coincidence, no one likes him. “The tamper has razor-sharp edges to prevent channeling, and I also got my initials engraved on it,” he…
PITTSBURGH, PA— Local barista Aisha Khan was disgruntled today when a regular customer at her coffee shop requested her friendship on Facebook. Our reporters hit the scene to investigate. “I mean, we interact a few times a week, but it’s not like we’re actual friends,” she told us. “I don’t want to share my political views and, like, pictures of…
GREENSBORO, NC— The frustrations of one Greensboro cafe’s staff reached a boiling point today over the manager’s frequent and continual use of the popular Bitmoji app via texts, emails, on social media, and on the cafe’s Slack. The team members, many of whom have been with the cafe since it launched in 2010, called an impromptu meeting, refusing…
NEW YORK, NY— A brand-new coffee and electric unicycle shop opened in Brooklyn’s Crown Heights neighborhood only to be immediately vandalized, leaving the owners shocked and puzzled. “We built this for the community,” said Marielle Sloane-Knudson, who opened the shop with her partner, Dennis Knudson, after moving to Crown Heights from San Francisco because SF was “so over.”…
SALT LAKE CITY, UT— Disaster struck this morning at a local cafe as barista Joe Green found out he did not get promoted to assistant manager and was subsequently super salty. Green had applied for the promotion the previous week, only to be passed up in favor of coworker Jill Yee, who currently works as a shift lead. “I think…
This piece is dedicated to Daria Whalen, a most excellent day one Patreon supporter whom we will cherish eternally. PHILADELPHIA, PA— This morning, an accidental ass-touch shook things up at a popular Philadelphia coffee chain when barista Amanda Baimer turned around with her palm outspread for a low-five and instead received a heaping handful of ass. “It was…
SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Local customer Brian Dean received some serious shade today after making a joke about the fact that he didn’t intend to tip—a fateful decision which would permanently alter the course of his week. When Dean went to get his morning coffee from his usual shop, he was feeling especially gregarious. While being rung up, he…
SAN DIEGO, CA— This weekend at one San Diego cafe, drama exploded as the barista who “never sweeps” raised a complaint about no one else ever sweeping. According to witnesses, the staff meeting was progressing as planned, the necessary announcements having been dispatched, until individual members of the group were invited to bring up issues. Maura Jackson, who…