By Camillia Nazanin This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our most excellent Patreon supporter without whom we couldn’t do this. ST. LOUIS, MO— Leila Quinn, a recent hire at a bustling St. Louis cafe, received a slew of negative feedback from coworkers after casually revealing her preference for iced cappuccinos. Previously a barista at Starbucks, Quinn was…
This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Nathanael May CHARLOTTE, NC— Eschewing the standard options of “melted ice cream” and “wet paint,” local barista and aspiring shift lead Braedyn Kellson discovered what she believed to be the perfect analogy for teaching new baristas the expected texture of properly steamed…
By Christopher Vasquez PORTLAND, OR— A barista at one Portland cafe came face-to-face with his own shortcomings when it became apparent that he had spent the last six months calling regular customer Mark Wilde by the wrong name. The customer is reportedly both unoffended and unphased. According to witnesses, barista Eddie Wong had called out, “Hey Scott,…
This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Colton Kirby NEW YORK, NY— Over the weekend, eager new barista Freddie Stapp read a blog post by a former world barista champion regarding extraction percentages and TDS numbers. Heavy with the knowledge that his cafe was failing to utilize, Stapp showed…
By Sam Stoothoff SALEM, MA— A local cafe was enveloped in a shroud of darkness early Wednesday morning when barista Erin Valor pulled what baristas across the world know as the “devil shot.” According to reports, onlookers heard a deep, sickly, rumbling voice described as coming, “from the deep,” and being, “profoundly upsetting.” Patrons we talked to…
By Robert Galbraith SANTA CRUZ, CA— Having recently been promoted to green buyer at a mid-sized West Coast coffee roastery, Desmond James was nervous about his first trip to origin. “After one of the importers we work with found out I had never been to origin, so they invited me to come on their next buying trip.…
This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Jorge Gadala-Maria WASHINGTON, DC— After a gallant attempt to dial-in on Monday morning at a busy downtown DC cafe, barista Lindsey Nowles concluded that the coffeehouse’s high-end grinder was simply “being weird” today. “It could be the heat and humidity,…
By Jákó Haraszti BUDAPEST, HU— Local home barista and coffee shop goer Kovács Józsi suffered first degree burns this morning due to his beautiful glass decanter, which still looked great compared to the plastic alternative that would not have burned him. After a merry and successful dinner party, Kovács broke out his full coffee setup to pin the…
By Mat North RED BANK, NJ— As word of a growing conflict over plant-based milk alternatives in one New Jersey cafe spread throughout the internet, the Knockbox hit the scene to investigate. Over the previous week, a fight had broken out over the management’s choice of plant-based milk alternative, sundering the unity the formerly tight-knit team had…
This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Zac Hyde CHARLESTON, SC— Staff at a local coffee shop in Charleston, SC were reportedly touched this morning when they arrived to work to find that new hire Stacy Chambers had still not yet become an irredeemably bitter cynic. Now entering…