This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Josh Rank DUBUQUE, IA– New hire Stephan Grant was shocked to find the espresso he had been dialing in didn’t taste like hot garbage despite having zero recollection of extraction theory. “It’s amazing,” said Grant. “It’s truly like Perger was watching over me.…
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Caroline Robb NEW ORLEANS, LA— David Lewis, long-time occasional coffee buyer at a popular neighborhood roaster, has always exhibited the highest standards for his take-home pick. “It has to be the freshest,” he told Knockbox reporters in a press conference this morning. “If…
This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Josh Rank BIRMINGHAM, AL– Local mortician David Hallmark watched in horror as a barista at a local cafe started making his pour-over coffee and then, inexplicably, stopped. “He was chugging right along, grinding the beans, getting the water,” said Hallmark. “Then he started…
This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Josh Rank ALBUQUERQUE, NM – Breaking news. Story will be updated as events unfold. 4:33 P.M. Brenda Halbock, barista at a popular family-owned cafe, told reporters she saw a black hatchback pull into the lot. Yes, she’s sure it was a hatchback, but…
By William Tanzarian In a stunning turn of events, a Pomeranian named Wigglebutt has won the US Barista Championship. The four-year-old pure-bred bested many season barista competitors in its first year of competition and now moves on the World Barista Championship later this year. Wigglebutt’s victory was decisive, with many spectators stating the route was “as moving…
By Eric Dong This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we appreciate. WALNUT CREEK, CA— A local coffee shop’s attempt at using homemade charcoal powders has received mixed reviews from customers and USDA. “Our espresso is a Columbia-Papua New Guinea blend with notes of dense dark chocolate, vanilla, and a buttery mouthfeel,” owner Jack Haney told Knockbox…
This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Josh Rank COLUMBUS, OH– Part-time barista Kyle Fleming set a personal record this afternoon by marking items off the closing checklist without actually doing them for the third consecutive day. “I really thought I was pushing it with two days in a row,”…
This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Zac Hyde In what surely comes as shocking news to the milk-alternative drinking community, millions of baby oats around the globe are apparently being deprived of adequate nourishment as demands for oat milk skyrocket among humans, according to a recent study. The public response to…
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we appreciate. By Cody Barnhart LOUISVILLE, KY— In what scientists have called “a masterpiece of surface tension,” Louisville barista Jennifer Guevara was recently awarded the 2018 Nobel Prize in Physics for “outstanding advancement in regard to science’s understanding of coffee particle distribution and beverage surface tension.” Some might marvel at…
This piece is dedicated to Eric Dong, our excellent Patreon supporter and contributor whom we love and appreciate. By Joe Marrocco A successful mid-sized coffee roaster based in Springfield recently launched a new marketing campaign geared around the concept of “Indirect Trade Coffee.” I was able to sit down and chat with co-owner Makara Lowry about this movement and the…