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Breaking News: Closing Barista Two Minutes Late

By Josh Rank

MACON, GA— Opening barista Brandon Slathers, who’s been up since 5 o’clock in the fucking morning, watches as the clock ticks past the posted 12:30 shift change. This is an ongoing story and events will be posted as they unfold.

12:32 P.M. “He always does this,” says Slathers as he hits the puck into the knockbox a little harder than necessary. “It’s been a hell of a morning and I’m tired.”

Mid-shift barista Brittany Talcott confirms that it was, in fact, a hell of a morning.

12:33 P.M. Slathers finishes checking the trash can and throws it back under the counter to avoid greeting the customer at the register. Talcott takes his place.

“What time is it now?” he asks as the customer walks away.

12:34 P.M. “It’s 12:34,” says Talcot.

Slathers sighs and shakes his head.

12:35 P.M. “It wouldn’t be that big of a deal if, y’know, it wasn’t Sam. It’s just that it’s always Sam,” says Slathers. “I hate him more than anybody hates anything.”

He walks around the counter, leans against a table, and crosses his arms.

12:36 P.M. Closing barista Sam Michaels walks in the coffee shop and flashes a quick peace sign to his coworkers. He disappears into the back as Slathers opens the cash register and removes his till.

12:37 P.M. Michaels emerges from the back and walks straight into the bathroom.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me,” says Slathers. “I’m going to jam that beanie through his eyes.”

12:39 P.M. Michaels walks onto the floor with the closing till in his hand. “Hey team,” he says. “How goes it? Sorry I’m late.”

Slathers smiles and waves a hand in front of him. “No worries. Have a good shift, man,” he says before he pats Michaels on the shoulder and disappears into the back to count his till. 

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Josh Rank is a writer and coffee shop worker person. He is thirty feet tall and invisible. More ramblings can be found at www.joshrank.com.