By Josh Rank
This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate.
JONESTOWN, MS— Paul Breckenridge may have only started working at a local cafe last week, but his presence has been widely felt by employees and customers alike.
“That guy with all the bruises? Yeah, he just called me ‘dipshit’ and said I should shove my latte up my ass,” said Billy Bright, regular customer and part-time philanthropist. “I mean, that’s not even possible.”
This is far from the only example of Breckenridge speaking his mind a little too loudly since completing his final shadow shift on Sunday.
“To be honest, I think it’s all my fault,” said one of the training baristas who chose to remain anonymous. “I made one small comment about a lady who wouldn’t look up from her phone while she ordered and I created a bit of a monster.”
Little jabs and name-calling are not unique to the cafe, but the tact and ninja-like sneakiness of these verbal attacks from baristas to customers is where skill and poise intersect. Breckenridge seems to lack the ability to conceal his comments from the targets.
“He’ll turn his back, sure, but he doesn’t lower his voice. He doesn’t even wait until they turn away from the register,” said the anonymous trainer. “I watched as a woman hadn’t even finished putting her change back in her wallet before he called her a ‘fucking moron.’ She looked like someone had just stolen her underwear.”
We reached out to Breckenridge for comment but he insisted he had no idea what we were talking about.
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Josh Rank is a writer and coffee shop worker person. He is thirty feet tall and invisible. More ramblings can be found at www.joshrank.com.
