By Sarah Feeney
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate.
CHICAGO, IL— Following a spate of customer complaints about cold and missing drinks, local cafe and roaster has decided to implement a speedier coffee delivery system. Once the espresso has been pulled and perfectly-steamed milk painstakingly poured into the shape of a swan, drinks will be thrown through the air in the direction of customers.
Said assistant manager Stacy DeWitt: “Previously, we called out drinks by name at the handout counter, but customers generally had Airpods or headphones in, then would come up ten minutes later complaining that they never got their latte. That’s why we now chuck the drinks directly at their heads.”
Baristas Sam Schauer and Kate Liu agree that the system has greatly reduced customer confusion and allowed the staff to focus on making new drinks, helping to alleviate long lines. “Some days I would call out ‘vanilla latte for Josh’ six times, and then a guy would come up and ask if a vanilla latte for Josh was ready yet,” said Liu. “But now I can just overhand it directly from the espresso machine across the shop right into Josh’s face.”
At press time, a medium oat milk mocha was colliding with this reporter’s right cheek.
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Sarah is a barista, occasional bartender, and perpetual book lover. She actually likes tea better than coffee but don’t tell anyone.
