This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate.
By Brent Lambert-Zaffino
ATLANTA, GA— Cafe regular Mark Sampson came to a painful discovery on Tuesday when his favorite barista informed him that tossing back his morning double shot was not, in fact, an impressive feat to anyone. Sampson reports that he only started consuming the hot, thick, liquid in one gulp because he thought it made him look like “one of the cool ones.”
“I’m stunned, honestly,” he told Knockbox staff in a press conference this morning. “One morning I wake up feeling like a champion for downing an expensive 4 oz, drink while making watery eye contact with the cutest barista in town for going on two years, and now I read on the internet that you’re supposed to sip it.”
Sampson says the news has left him feeling “depressed” and “bereft of energy,” which he attributes to both lowered self-esteem and the fact that he hasn’t returned for coffee since the inciting incident.
“I thought I was sending the message that I could handle anything, but I just don’t know anymore. It’s still cool to empty out a glass of wine all at once though, right?”
If you laughed, support The Knockbox with a monthly or one-time donation through our Patreon or Cashapp.
Brent Lambert-Zaffino is a filmmaker and barista in Atlanta. He writes in collaboration with the rest of the coffee crew.
