This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate.
By Josh Rank
DUBUQUE, IA– New hire Stephan Grant was shocked to find the espresso he had been dialing in didn’t taste like hot garbage despite having zero recollection of extraction theory.
“It’s amazing,” said Grant. “It’s truly like Perger was watching over me. I was changing the dose haphazardly, adjusting the grind back and forth, and somehow it tastes kinda close to maybe good? I knew it was bad when the back of my tongue tasted like someone stuck a burnt match on it, but I had zero clue how to fix it.”
When asked her thoughts on the espresso, barista Michelle Newsome said, “It’s fine, I guess. Most people get flavored drinks here so it doesn’t really matter.”
New baristas at Grant’s go through a week of off-bar training to learn the fundamentals of brewology. The second day of training is devoted to extraction theory, or as Grant remembers it, “How to make the coffee taste not like shit.” Unfortunately, his unimaginative title is the only thing he remembers from that day.
Grant eventually plans to find that Barista Hustle article explaining what he accidentally displayed, but as for now, he’s reveling in the accomplishment.
“Do you ever think that, just maybe, you people are taking this a little too seriously?” said Grant. “I mean, who even knows what underextracted means outside of a roasting room?”
He hopes the training manager likes the espresso, but not enough that this becomes a daily task.
Josh Rank is a writer and coffee shop worker person. He is thirty feet tall and invisible. More ramblings can be found at www.joshrank.com.
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