This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate.
By Josh Rank
BIRMINGHAM, AL– Local mortician David Hallmark watched in horror as a barista at a local cafe started making his pour-over coffee and then, inexplicably, stopped.
“He was chugging right along, grinding the beans, getting the water,” said Hallmark. “Then he started to pour it and just, like, stopped. I couldn’t believe it. He was just standing there.”
Bystanders watched as Hallmark became more agitated.
“That dude was nuts,” said an onlooker who chose to remain anonymous. “He was tapping his foot and grunting like a dog that wants to go outside. I thought he was going to hop over the counter and make the coffee himself.”
Finally, after about thirty agonizing seconds, the barista picked the kettle back up and continued making the coffee.
“I mean, is this what the service industry has come to?” asked Hallmark. “Everything is so half-assed these days. I operate on a full-ass mentality. Exclusively. This goes to show what’s wrong with our country and why the aliens just pass us by every time.”
Hallmark received his coffee after another couple minutes and expressed his displeasure by not thanking the barista. He proceeded to dump some coffee into the trash can to make room for copious amounts of cream and sugar.
Josh Rank is a writer and coffee shop worker person. He is thirty feet tall and invisible. More ramblings can be found at www.joshrank.com.
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