By Eric Dong
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we appreciate.
WALNUT CREEK, CA— A local coffee shop’s attempt at using homemade charcoal powders has received mixed reviews from customers and USDA.
“Our espresso is a Columbia-Papua New Guinea blend with notes of dense dark chocolate, vanilla, and a buttery mouthfeel,” owner Jack Haney told Knockbox reporters. “We made a charcoal out of French Oak from chardonnay wine barrels we found in the wine country of California. We found that the wine from these barrels had similar tasting notes.”
Courtney Jansen, a regular at the cafe, found herself not in the wine country of California but in the urgent care after a reaction to the cappuccinos. “I loved them at first,” Jansen shares with us, “they had such an unadulterated flavor to them.” Jansen was on a daily medication that was completely negated by the overconsumption of charcoal in her cappuccinos.
“Yeah, I remember her,” said barista Megan Reed. “That girl drank at least four or five of those cappuccinos just during my shift. God knows she could have drank more after I left for the day.”
Some of the customers were even less pleased with the new trendy cappuccinos: “The charcoal cappuccino tasted like some campfire kindling fell into my coffee. I still drank it, but I was pissed.”
“I literally found a piece of half burnt bark in my cappuccino,” one notably annoyed customer pointed out. “This shit cannot be good for you.”
Upon asking the owner about how the charcoal was made, he simply stated “at home, in a certified kitchen.” A health inspector from the USDA left skeptical after her walk-through on Monday, claiming that she had never seen homemade charcoal powder before and that she would return later with more information about what the cafe can and cannot serve. She did ask that the charcoal powder be put out of rotation until she returns.
Eric Dong is a part-time writer and full-time barista at a hotel coffee shop in Hawaii, where contrary to popular belief, he does not enjoy pineapple on most foods. When he is not working or writing, he is playing Fortnite, perhaps like some of you.
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