This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate.
By Eric Dong
KAILUA-KONA, HI— Chaos broke out at a local cafe today after new hire and ex-Starbucks employee Gabriel Scott posed a hypothetical scenario in which a guest orders an iced cappuccino, sparking a loud and heated debate. Although the conflict began mid-shift, on-site management called an impromptu staff meeting, shuttering operations until the matter is resolved.
According to reports, the anti-iced capp sect currently leads the debate, fighting for the integrity of the cappuccino as if their very lives depended on it.
“Foam ratios are the foundation of a cappuccino,” argued lead barista Maddy Garcia, according to a source inside the building. “Iced cappuccinos simply do not exist. In addition, they’re disgusting and a mockery of our craft.” Garcia, hailing from Los Angeles, CA, appears absolutely unwilling to budge in her address of this hypothetical scenario.
Via text, Scott confided in us his unpopular opinion on the matter. “Scooping hot foam on an iced latte does sound weird, but I’m also not sure what we stand to gain by refusing to serve people drinks they want that we can easily make.” Scott, trying not to rock the boat, remains quiet in the debate. “No one really thinks that my years working at Starbucks mean anything [at this coffee shop].”
Cafe manager Patricia Stevenson has “washed her hands” of the situation, allowing Garcia to settle the debate while she takes the rest of the day to catch up on emails. “I just hope it’s settled soon.”
Eric Dong is a part-time writer and full-time barista at a hotel coffee shop in Hawaii, where contrary to popular belief, he does not enjoy pineapple on most foods. When he is not working or writing, he is playing Fortnite, perhaps like some of you.
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