By Camillia Nazanan
CAMBRIDGE, MA— Coffee enthusiasts with the desire to witness spacetime twisting in on itself finally have reason to rejoice. A Cambridge cafe with a sizable student following has debuted its newest product, the Black Hole Mocha, which promises patrons the taste sensation and physics lesson of a lifetime.
Our reporters rushed to the unveiling, where dozens of students and scientists stood eagerly in line.
“This is huge,” remarked Richard Duro, a university professor and theoretical physicist. “We’re talking coffee so strong that it warps the fabric of reality as we know it. You’re getting your caffeine fix plus a thrill ride towards that mysterious sonovabitch we call the singularity. How cool is that?”
While many students are at the event out of pure enthusiasm and desire for caffeination, other students have come for educational reasons.
“My bros and I have an anatomy final tomorrow,” admitted sophomore Jonah Hertz. “We haven’t studied at all. I’m hoping we end up in a parallel universe where professors don’t give crappy exams.”
Critics have allegedly released both positive and negative reviews, although it’s unlikely these reviews will ever see the light of day.
No matter the reasons or results, the product has created quite a stir, and may even put an end to the pumpkin spice frenzy, a feat previously thought impossible. If the cafe’s promotional materials are any indication, this unique blend of cocoa and coffee will grab hold of you and never let go.
Camillia Nazanin is a writer and contributor who doesn’t understand why iced coffee needs whipped cream. When she’s not working, you can find her doodling, reminiscing with old-school Nintendo, or looking at the stars.
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