By Sam Stoothoff
SALEM, MA— A local cafe was enveloped in a shroud of darkness early Wednesday morning when barista Erin Valor pulled what baristas across the world know as the “devil shot.”
According to reports, onlookers heard a deep, sickly, rumbling voice described as coming, “from the deep,” and being, “profoundly upsetting.” Patrons we talked to inside the cafe have no memory of the event but, prior to the swirling winds and onslaught of ravens engulfing them, one customer described the morning as ordinary.
A fellow coworker did note that prior to what can only be called a Dark Invocation a customer ordered a doppio. They also noted that Valor had been pulling increasingly great shots all morning, each one better than the last. Valor has refused to comment since the event, but immediately after leaving her shift she purchased a winning lottery ticket. She also, despite never learning the instrument, displayed a unsettling mastery of the guitar after being called on-stage at a concert for the band Slayer. She is now touring with the group as their lead guitarist.
The roasting company who provides the cafe’s coffee denied any wrongdoing after the event. According to their statement, “while the incident is regrettable, we have no knowledge of ancient dark arts and certainly don’t read forbidden tomes while we roast coffee. We also do not possess the Necronomicon, and the roastery was not built on the site of a secret witch coven. Any such allegations are baseless.”
While things have returned to normal for the cafe, a grey malaise is said to hang in the air around the espresso machine and some baristas have reported vivid nightmares for weeks after working the bar. Others, though, are hoping to summon whatever Erin summoned that day once more. They have, as of yet, been unsuccessful.
Sam Stoothoff is currently living the dream in Brooklyn. His credits include the occasional good tweet that can be found @sam_stache.
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