By Camillia Nazanin
NEW YORK, NY— Hamburgers. Doughnuts. Hot dogs. Pizza. The US has always been a melting pot where foreign treats undergo a metamorphosis and become hometown heroes, often to the chagrin of their original owners. The Italian affogato, an import already beloved in the States, is the latest treat to cause outcry from its motherland as Americans enjoy it their way: scooped out and eaten cold as fast as possible before it has time to mingle with the espresso.
“The affogato, a delicious, refreshing, and energizing Italian beverage, barely had time to live life as an American tourist before it was trampled, robbed, and left for dead by heartless hipsters and sadistic sippers,” writes Manhattan-based Italian food critic Salvatore D’Arco in his weekly food column. “The affogato is supposed to be a beautiful fusion of espresso and ice cream, but these people are enjoying the stuff like it just came out of the freezer.”
We decided to investigate and found that D’Arco is not alone. NYC-based Italian cafes are reporting en masse that the annoying behavior is becoming a trend.
“They’re just… scooping the ice cream straight out of the hot espresso. We have no idea how they’re doing it,” said Alessandra Moretti, an Italian-born cafe owner in downtown Manhattan. “It honestly defies basic chemistry.”
“Some of them use their hands,” remarked Bertolo Cacciola, a father of two who frequents the cafe. “I have to cover my children’s eyes. I don’t want them picking up bad habits.”
Another local cafe owner who wished to remain anonymous claimed that she’s rapidly shedding Italian customers. “I see them watching the behavior, and they’re so disgusted that they leave and don’t come back. I just don’t know what to do.”
“I’ll enjoy my affogato however I want to,” customer Lois Stevens told our reporters. “These people think they can tell us how to drink our coffee, but if I want to leave the espresso behind and pretend like I’m enjoying a sunny day on Coney Island with burned fingers, that’s my right.”
While overwhelmed and disgusted, Moretti will continue serving the beverage, which brings in plenty of revenue at eight bucks a pop.
Camillia Nazanin is a writer and contributor who doesn’t understand why iced coffee needs whipped cream. When she’s not working, you can find her doodling, reminiscing with old-school Nintendo, or looking at the stars.
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