PORTLAND, OR— This morning, a popular vegan cafe is enveloped in an angry horde of vegans protesting the cafe’s use of human labor. Fighting our way through handmade signs reading “End Vegan Hypocrisy” and “Stop Exploiting ALL Animals,” we got on the scene to investigate. “Humans are animals, too,” protester Eric Patton told us heatedly, pushing his blonde dreads out…
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we appreciate. BURLINGTON, VT— A popular Burlington cafe recently jettisoned its WiFi connection in a bid to encourage higher seat turnover within the cafe’s limited space as well as “to encourage customers to have conversations instead of just sitting on their computers.” Witnesses report that customer conversation has indeed increased,…
This piece is dedicated to Amanda Amato, Patreon supporter, badass, and friend. BUFFALO, NY— Feathers are ruffled all over the city of Buffalo as cafe owners and guests discover that a feminist vigilante has placed boxes of tampons in every cafe restroom across the city. “I think it’s a menace,” said Stephen Chell, owner of a popular cafe…