PORTLAND, OR— This morning, a popular vegan cafe is enveloped in an angry horde of vegans protesting the cafe’s use of human labor. Fighting our way through handmade signs reading “End Vegan Hypocrisy” and “Stop Exploiting ALL Animals,” we got on the scene to investigate.
“Humans are animals, too,” protester Eric Patton told us heatedly, pushing his blonde dreads out of his face. “You’re not really vegan if you rely on human labor. I don’t know why this is so hard for people to understand.”
“They’re pigs,” yelled Rose Hammond, a barista at a non-vegan coffee shop. “Worse than pigs because pigs are actually cool!”
We made our way into the shop as people yelled and threw peanuts at us, hoping to get an espresso as well as an interview.
The shop was actually full of people laughing, working, and having coffee.
“We literally don’t know how to please them on this one,” laughed Rosalind Chang, the lead barista. “We’d have to shut down. Like, they’re technically right, but I’m not sure us losing our jobs benefits us as animals.”
We talked to Sharif Ahmed, a regular who works nearby. “I’m not even vegan,” he told us. “I just have food allergies, and the staff is so wonderful. I’ll definitely fight my way through a few peanuts to get a gluten-free pastry before work.”
According to Chang, the shop’s owners are not concerned in the slightest, but are considering opening a second location run entirely by robots.
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