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BURLINGTON, VT— A popular Burlington cafe recently jettisoned its WiFi connection in a bid to encourage higher seat turnover within the cafe’s limited space as well as “to encourage customers to have conversations instead of just sitting on their computers.” Witnesses report that customer conversation has indeed increased, and the main thing customers are talking about is the cafe’s egregious and insulting lack of WiFi.
“Can you believe they got rid of WiFi?” exclaimed regular customer Jack Hirsch. “I come here to work from home and the only thing I can even do now is just talk to people about how ridiculous it is.”
At the counter, baristas fielded a continuous stream of questions about the WiFi.
“What’s your WiFi password?” asked first-time customer Marco Rey.
“If you don’t have WiFi then why’d I spend three dollars on this fucking coffee?” asked lawyer Karen Jing.
Baristas continued to explain to customers that the cafe had gotten rid of WiFi to encourage customers to talk to one another—a venture that was showing itself as a clear success, as every time the situation was explained, customers immediately began discussing the lack of WiFi amongst themselves.
The move also seems to be encouraging higher seat turnover. As soon as customers find out that the cafe no longer has WiFi, they either take their coffee to go or drink it as fast as possible and then leave.
As of press time, the cafe’s Yelp and Facebook reviews are flooded with complaints—or, to put a positive spin on it, conversations. The cafe’s owners are holding strong in their no WiFi stance, although witnesses report that baristas are showing signs of strain.
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