LOS ANGELES, CA— This weekend saw the launch of a brand-new venture that promises a veritable utopia for service workers everywhere: a customer-free cafe. The cafe, which is for baristas only, will be run as a collective by a group of veteran LA spro-slingers.
Our reporters attended the soft opening this weekend and caught up with the cafe crew.
“I mean, they said it all in Clerks, right? This place would be great if not for the customers,” said David Jordan, one of the founders. “So we decided to make it happen.”
“Really, you’re not a barista as far as I know, so you shouldn’t be here,” said Leah Moore, another founding member. “Please leave.”
“I’m really excited,” said local barista Kiera Dyson, who works at a shop nearby. “I’m a barista, all my friends are baristas, and we’re all just sick of having to be around customers wherever we go—especially other coffee shops. I hope more spaces like this open.”
We asked some customers at a nearby cafe for their takes.
“It’s discrimination, plain and simple,” said Harry Sian, a latte-loving regular.
“Really? That’s messed up. I’m gonna go start a protest,” said local mom and cafe regular Sal Maines. “BRB.”
“If I’m not wanted, I’ll just let them do them,” said Ravi Singh, a local office worker who enjoys his morning Americano. “I can understand why baristas may not want customers around.”
We wish our customer-free comrades all the best and hope we didn’t accidentally send too many protesters in their direction.
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