After a solid hour of unsuccessfully dialing in a naturally processed coffee from Guji, Ethiopia, Brent Feelmore noticed something weird.
Finicky Espresso Forces Barista Into Fourth Dimension
Tag: espresso
Opinion: Give Me, the Third Grouphead, A Chance
By Josh Rank SCOTTSDALE, AZ— I know jealousy is really unbecoming, but I can produce a shot just like the two groupheads between me and the grinder. I can ramp up to a full nine bars of pressure just as well as them. Even better, probably. Their gaskets are all loose and worn out. Just look how far you have…
New Barista Miraculously Dials In Espresso Despite Forgetting Extraction Theory
This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Josh Rank DUBUQUE, IA– New hire Stephan Grant was shocked to find the espresso he had been dialing in didn’t taste like hot garbage despite having zero recollection of extraction theory. “It’s amazing,” said Grant. “It’s truly like Perger was watching over me.…
Other Barista Knows My Order, Says Customer
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our most excellent Patreon supporter without whom we couldn’t do this. By Adam Heffelfinger ANNAPOLIS, MD— The morning rush was in full swing at one local coffee shop this morning when housewife Julianne Akers reached the front of the queue. Akers, 44, received a cordial greeting from barista Rachael Ng, 27, who…
Modular Espresso Bar Functioning Normally
This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Sam Stoothoff BROOKLYN, NEW YORK— After several years of continued maintenance, baristas at a popular local cafe were astonished to find their modular espresso machine functioning exactly as an espresso machine should. Instead of a steam wand not functioning or water…
Opinion: If The Barista Doesn’t Dump 8 Shots Before Serving My Espresso, How Do I Know They Care
By William Tanzarian Listen, I get it. I’m not just some customer who comes in and bastardizes all your hard work by adding loads of milk and sugar. Sure, I’ve never actually been a barista before, but I own a kettle and I grind my own beans at home, so I understand what it’s like to really put…
Barista Terrified for Life After Losing Distribution Screw
This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Lanny Huang DETROIT, MI— At approximately 8:26pm last Sunday, sources reported that local barista Miles Thomas lost a distribution screw down the drain at the coffee shop where he’d just started working during a solo closing shift. “It happened so fast,”…
Barista Reads Coffee Pro Blog Post, Confused That Espresso Tastes Bad
This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Colton Kirby NEW YORK, NY— Over the weekend, eager new barista Freddie Stapp read a blog post by a former world barista champion regarding extraction percentages and TDS numbers. Heavy with the knowledge that his cafe was failing to utilize, Stapp showed…
Barista Unwittingly Pulls Fabled “Devil Shot”
By Sam Stoothoff SALEM, MA— A local cafe was enveloped in a shroud of darkness early Wednesday morning when barista Erin Valor pulled what baristas across the world know as the “devil shot.” According to reports, onlookers heard a deep, sickly, rumbling voice described as coming, “from the deep,” and being, “profoundly upsetting.” Patrons we talked to…
Barista Struggling to Dial In Concludes Grinder is Being Weird Today
This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Jorge Gadala-Maria WASHINGTON, DC— After a gallant attempt to dial-in on Monday morning at a busy downtown DC cafe, barista Lindsey Nowles concluded that the coffeehouse’s high-end grinder was simply “being weird” today. “It could be the heat and humidity,…