This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we appreciate. BURLINGTON, VT— A popular Burlington cafe recently jettisoned its WiFi connection in a bid to encourage higher seat turnover within the cafe’s limited space as well as “to encourage customers to have conversations instead of just sitting on their computers.” Witnesses report that customer conversation has indeed increased,…
This piece is dedicated to Amanda Amato, Patreon supporter, badass, and friend. BUFFALO, NY— Feathers are ruffled all over the city of Buffalo as cafe owners and guests discover that a feminist vigilante has placed boxes of tampons in every cafe restroom across the city. “I think it’s a menace,” said Stephen Chell, owner of a popular cafe…
GREENSBORO, NC— The frustrations of one Greensboro cafe’s staff reached a boiling point today over the manager’s frequent and continual use of the popular Bitmoji app via texts, emails, on social media, and on the cafe’s Slack. The team members, many of whom have been with the cafe since it launched in 2010, called an impromptu meeting, refusing…
By Camillia Nazanin ORLANDO, FL— Mild-mannered barista Kenneth Richards has become a local hero following his encounter with a customer who struggled to pronounce “cafe au lait.” Our reporters followed up with Richards, who was all smiles. “She was a sweet old lady with a charming Southern accent,” he recalled. “She came up to the counter,…
NEW YORK, NY— A brand-new coffee and electric unicycle shop opened in Brooklyn’s Crown Heights neighborhood only to be immediately vandalized, leaving the owners shocked and puzzled. “We built this for the community,” said Marielle Sloane-Knudson, who opened the shop with her partner, Dennis Knudson, after moving to Crown Heights from San Francisco because SF was “so over.”…
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our very excellent Patreon supporter. We couldn’t do this without him. PITTSBURGH, PA— When customer Martina Lane ordered an iced espresso in a large to-go cup this morning at a local cafe, she did the last thing anyone expected. Rather than immediately taking it over to the condiment station to fill it with milk and…
By Reed Liebezeit LOS ANGELES, CA— Barista Sebastian Benton had been back from break just one half hour today when he described his shop’s single origin espresso offering to a customer as “bright and fruity.” It was while filling a milk pitcher for a prior order that Benton wielded the description—completely by rote and without any consideration for…
by Camillia Nazanin PHILADELPHIA, PA— Mason Sutherland, a regular Philly cafe customer, just celebrated the two-year anniversary of what he calls “a great American novel in progress.” “It feels almost surreal to reach this milestone in my career,” said Sutherland, dressed comfortably in a navy-blue Nike jacket and sweats. “I’ve come up with this character, Jack, who…
RICHMOND, VA— Everything came to a halt at one Richmond cafe this morning as barista Terry Kyler made his coworker take a super cool picture of him throwing a latte so that it looked like he was using the force. “I really didn’t want to do it, but he just wouldn’t take no for an answer,” said barista…
By Chris Deferio KNOXVILLE, TN— Concerned customers and townspeople are milling about in confusion and wonder this morning after Lenny Welker, the closing barista at a local espresso bar, accidentally performed the perfect close and realized that the shop could never open again. Welker had been finishing the final item on the closing checklist when he realized…