Cafe, Customer Service

Mom Banned from Cafe After Complaining that Kid’s Temperature Hot Chocolate Too Cool

A hot chocolate with a dollop of whipped cream in a white mug on a white saucer on a light wood table.

  CINCINNATI, OH— Local mom Corinne Olson was banned from a popular Cincinnati cafe this morning after complaining that the kid’s temperature hot chocolate she ordered for her nine-year-old son Tyler was too cool.   Olson, who frequents the cafe while working on her Etsy store, often brings her son along on his days off from school. She assumed that…

Read More

Cafe, New Findings

New Research Shows That Not Being Able to Get Splenda Makes You Really Angry

Splenda packets in a white ramikin.

  Due to long-known health risks and ever-increasing general expenses, more and more cafes are refusing to carry Splenda and other alternative sweeteners—a decision that may come with severe and unintended consequences. New research released by the Center for Disease Control this morning shows that not being able to get Splenda can make frequent users very, very angry.   “While…

Read More

Cafe

CA Cafes Required to Label Pumpkin Spice Lattes “Squash Spice”

Two hands reach into a pile of colorful pumpkins.

  OAKLAND, CA— Cafes all over the state of California are reeling as a new ruling mandates that all pumpkin spice beverages be labeled “squash spice.”   Douglas Hune, the judge responsible for the controversial ruling, had this to say at a press conference this morning: “I’m aware that to some, this might not seem justified, but it is our…

Read More

Cafe, Customer Service

Communist Customer Doesn’t Tip Baristas Because Whole System is Fucked

A blonde man holds his hood over his head with a twinkle in his eyes. The photo is black and white.

  NEW YORK CITY, NY— Communist coffee shop customer Mitch Dryden doesn’t believe in tipping baristas; according to him, “the whole system is fucked, and tipping only validates that.”   Dryden, who works as a bike mechanic, used to work as barista but doesn’t believe in tipping. “It’s not about people as individuals, it’s about the system,” he said. “It’s…

Read More

Cafe, Customer Service, New Products

Coffee-Fetching Robot Disrupts Morning Rush

A white robot with a small smile looks at the camera.

  BOSTON, MA— This morning in a local university’s robotics building, a coffee-fetching robot disrupted service and severely pissed off several baristas.   Creators were thrilled and excited to send Caffbot, the new robot they’ve engineered to fetch their morning brew, on his inaugural mission down to their favorite cafe. However, the mission didn’t quite go as planned.   When…

Read More

Roasting

Temperature Probe Actually to Blame for Roasting Issue

A red and bright silver coffee roasting machine.

  MADISON, WI—The Wisconsin roasting community is in shock today after local roaster Mark Hule blamed his machine’s temperature probe for his consistently underdeveloped roasts and was actually right.   When Hule brought up the issue to the small roasting company’s owner, Lars Denton, he was immediately brushed off. “That’s what roasters always say when you criticize their coffee,” said…

Read More

Cafe, New Products

Cafe Switches to Instant Coffee; Everyone Pleased

A hand holds a white cup of espresso on a white saucer at a wooden counter.

  NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK— A local cafe has switched its menu exclusively to instant coffee, to the reluctant but undeniable delight of baristas, customers, and management.   “I was really upset when I found out we were planning to switch to instant coffee, for obvious reasons,” lead barista Sloane Micheli told reporters. “I’m a barista because I like…

Read More