After a solid hour of unsuccessfully dialing in a naturally processed coffee from Guji, Ethiopia, Brent Feelmore noticed something weird.
Finicky Espresso Forces Barista Into Fourth Dimension
Category: Mystery
Barista Mystified by Lipstick Stain That Refuses to Budge
Marveling at the lasting power of a regular’s bold lipstick, local barista Tiffany Kwon has decided to pre-soak all ceramic mugs.
New Barista Miraculously Dials In Espresso Despite Forgetting Extraction Theory
This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Josh Rank DUBUQUE, IA– New hire Stephan Grant was shocked to find the espresso he had been dialing in didn’t taste like hot garbage despite having zero recollection of extraction theory. “It’s amazing,” said Grant. “It’s truly like Perger was watching over me.…
Customer Seeking Freshest Beans Inquires About Beans From The Future
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Caroline Robb NEW ORLEANS, LA— David Lewis, long-time occasional coffee buyer at a popular neighborhood roaster, has always exhibited the highest standards for his take-home pick. “It has to be the freshest,” he told Knockbox reporters in a press conference this morning. “If…
Local Barista Mystified by Guy Who Puts Cream In His Latte
By Jackson O’Brien MINNEAPOLIS, MN— Local barista Natalie Krueger has spent the last few months pondering the mystery of a regular customer who, for unknown reasons, continues to order lattes and augment them with cream from the condiment bar. Knockbox reporters hit the scene to investigate. “The first time I saw him do it, I thought it…
Modular Espresso Bar Functioning Normally
This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Sam Stoothoff BROOKLYN, NEW YORK— After several years of continued maintenance, baristas at a popular local cafe were astonished to find their modular espresso machine functioning exactly as an espresso machine should. Instead of a steam wand not functioning or water…
Barista Terrified for Life After Losing Distribution Screw
This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Lanny Huang DETROIT, MI— At approximately 8:26pm last Sunday, sources reported that local barista Miles Thomas lost a distribution screw down the drain at the coffee shop where he’d just started working during a solo closing shift. “It happened so fast,”…
Barista Unwittingly Pulls Fabled “Devil Shot”
By Sam Stoothoff SALEM, MA— A local cafe was enveloped in a shroud of darkness early Wednesday morning when barista Erin Valor pulled what baristas across the world know as the “devil shot.” According to reports, onlookers heard a deep, sickly, rumbling voice described as coming, “from the deep,” and being, “profoundly upsetting.” Patrons we talked to…
Feminist Vigilante Plants Tampons in Local Cafe Restrooms
This piece is dedicated to Amanda Amato, Patreon supporter, badass, and friend. BUFFALO, NY— Feathers are ruffled all over the city of Buffalo as cafe owners and guests discover that a feminist vigilante has placed boxes of tampons in every cafe restroom across the city. “I think it’s a menace,” said Stephen Chell, owner of a popular cafe…