This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we appreciate. BURLINGTON, VT— A popular Burlington cafe recently jettisoned its WiFi connection in a bid to encourage higher seat turnover within the cafe’s limited space as well as “to encourage customers to have conversations instead of just sitting on their computers.” Witnesses report that customer conversation has indeed increased,…
By Camillia Nazanin ORLANDO, FL— Mild-mannered barista Kenneth Richards has become a local hero following his encounter with a customer who struggled to pronounce “cafe au lait.” Our reporters followed up with Richards, who was all smiles. “She was a sweet old lady with a charming Southern accent,” he recalled. “She came up to the counter,…
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our very excellent Patreon supporter. We couldn’t do this without him. PITTSBURGH, PA— When customer Martina Lane ordered an iced espresso in a large to-go cup this morning at a local cafe, she did the last thing anyone expected. Rather than immediately taking it over to the condiment station to fill it with milk and…
By Reed Liebezeit LOS ANGELES, CA— Barista Sebastian Benton had been back from break just one half hour today when he described his shop’s single origin espresso offering to a customer as “bright and fruity.” It was while filling a milk pitcher for a prior order that Benton wielded the description—completely by rote and without any consideration for…
RICHMOND, VA— Everything came to a halt at one Richmond cafe this morning as barista Terry Kyler made his coworker take a super cool picture of him throwing a latte so that it looked like he was using the force. “I really didn’t want to do it, but he just wouldn’t take no for an answer,” said barista…
By Sam Stoothoff This piece is dedicated to the ever-excellent Morgan Russell, our Patreon supporter whom we appreciate. ATLANTA, GA— Local barista Sean McAllister has been greeting everyone with “unusual warmth and compassion for the entirety of his shift,” according to reports. In a completely unrelated coincidence, he also happens to have run out of money until his next…
SAN FRANCISCO, CA— The Fourth of July was ruined for the crew of one local cafe when an overzealous guest wearing an Uncle Sam outfit walked around the shop for several hours calling all of the baristas and customers snowflakes and yelling the lyrics to “She’s a Grand Old Flag.” We got on the scene to investigate and…
This piece is dedicated to Mat North, our first ever Patreon supporter whom we will always cherish. Eternal shoutouts. OKLAHOMA CITY, OK— Baristas at a local shop were in for a surprise when new patron Donald Mullen, who at first seemed much like any other cafe customer, made sure to let them know that because he used to…
LOS ANGELES, CA— This weekend saw the launch of a brand-new venture that promises a veritable utopia for service workers everywhere: a customer-free cafe. The cafe, which is for baristas only, will be run as a collective by a group of veteran LA spro-slingers. Our reporters attended the soft opening this weekend and caught up with the cafe…
SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Local customer Brian Dean received some serious shade today after making a joke about the fact that he didn’t intend to tip—a fateful decision which would permanently alter the course of his week. When Dean went to get his morning coffee from his usual shop, he was feeling especially gregarious. While being rung up, he…