KNOXVILLE, TN— This Christmas, one inspiring cafe set a shining example by donating all Christmas-day proceeds to the American Red Cross. We hit the scene to investigate and get a little taste of their true holiday spirit. The cafe was all a-bustle with customers in from all over town to celebrate and donate. The air was laden with…
This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate. By Sam Stoothoff BROOKLYN, NEW YORK— After several years of continued maintenance, baristas at a popular local cafe were astonished to find their modular espresso machine functioning exactly as an espresso machine should. Instead of a steam wand not functioning or water…
By Camillia Nazanan CAMBRIDGE, MA— Coffee enthusiasts with the desire to witness spacetime twisting in on itself finally have reason to rejoice. A Cambridge cafe with a sizable student following has debuted its newest product, the Black Hole Mocha, which promises patrons the taste sensation and physics lesson of a lifetime. Our reporters rushed to the unveiling,…
By Sam Stoothoff SALEM, MA— A local cafe was enveloped in a shroud of darkness early Wednesday morning when barista Erin Valor pulled what baristas across the world know as the “devil shot.” According to reports, onlookers heard a deep, sickly, rumbling voice described as coming, “from the deep,” and being, “profoundly upsetting.” Patrons we talked to…
PHOENIX, AZ— Inspired by her favorite erotic bakery, local entrepreneur and regional barista champion Maisy Kean recently launched the country’s first erotic cafe. We attended the launch party to see what all the buzz was about and found a happy, spirited crowd sipping free espresso bevs. “When I lived in SF for school, the best bakery in town…
By Jákó Haraszti BUDAPEST, HU— Local home barista and coffee shop goer Kovács Józsi suffered first degree burns this morning due to his beautiful glass decanter, which still looked great compared to the plastic alternative that would not have burned him. After a merry and successful dinner party, Kovács broke out his full coffee setup to pin the…
SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Last night at a local latte art throwdown, barista Thomas Chin brought his own custom tamper and milk pitcher to make sure he could “truly demonstrate his best work.” In a perhaps-unrelated coincidence, no one likes him. “The tamper has razor-sharp edges to prevent channeling, and I also got my initials engraved on it,” he…
OAKLAND, CA— Chaos erupted during the morning rush at a local cash-free cafe after the internet went down and stayed down for fifteen long minutes, preventing baristas from making any formal transactions. “It was like nothing I’ve ever seen before,” said customer Sarah Walabi, looking past me as she spoke. “The line was out the door and the…
PORTLAND, OR— Last week, the Association for Science and Information on Coffee (ASIC) held its 27th biennial conference in Portland and shone a light on several critical issues affecting the future of coffee. Overall, they say, we as an industry really, really need to start measuring shit. “As an industry, it’s super important that we work at consistently…
This piece is dedicated to Velton Ross, our most excellent Patreon supporter without whom we couldn’t do this. SEATTLE, WA— In a shocking and heartbreaking reversal, Seattle landlord Mike Marcon of Marcon Properties has received a 30-day eviction notice from a cafe owner couple to whom he rents space. He needs your help to cover the gap. Marcon got…