Cafe, New Findings

New Research Shows That Not Being Able to Get Splenda Makes You Really Angry

Splenda packets in a white ramikin.

  Due to long-known health risks and ever-increasing general expenses, more and more cafes are refusing to carry Splenda and other alternative sweeteners—a decision that may come with severe and unintended consequences. New research released by the Center for Disease Control this morning shows that not being able to get Splenda can make frequent users very, very angry.   “While…

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CA Cafes Required to Label Pumpkin Spice Lattes “Squash Spice”

Two hands reach into a pile of colorful pumpkins.

  OAKLAND, CA— Cafes all over the state of California are reeling as a new ruling mandates that all pumpkin spice beverages be labeled “squash spice.”   Douglas Hune, the judge responsible for the controversial ruling, had this to say at a press conference this morning: “I’m aware that to some, this might not seem justified, but it is our…

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Cafe, Customer Service

Communist Customer Doesn’t Tip Baristas Because Whole System is Fucked

A blonde man holds his hood over his head with a twinkle in his eyes. The photo is black and white.

  NEW YORK CITY, NY— Communist coffee shop customer Mitch Dryden doesn’t believe in tipping baristas; according to him, “the whole system is fucked, and tipping only validates that.”   Dryden, who works as a bike mechanic, used to work as barista but doesn’t believe in tipping. “It’s not about people as individuals, it’s about the system,” he said. “It’s…

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Cafe, Customer Service, New Products

Coffee-Fetching Robot Disrupts Morning Rush

A white robot with a small smile looks at the camera.

  BOSTON, MA— This morning in a local university’s robotics building, a coffee-fetching robot disrupted service and severely pissed off several baristas.   Creators were thrilled and excited to send Caffbot, the new robot they’ve engineered to fetch their morning brew, on his inaugural mission down to their favorite cafe. However, the mission didn’t quite go as planned.   When…

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Cafe, New Products

Cafe Switches to Instant Coffee; Everyone Pleased

A hand holds a white cup of espresso on a white saucer at a wooden counter.

  NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK— A local cafe has switched its menu exclusively to instant coffee, to the reluctant but undeniable delight of baristas, customers, and management.   “I was really upset when I found out we were planning to switch to instant coffee, for obvious reasons,” lead barista Sloane Micheli told reporters. “I’m a barista because I like…

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Forgotten Plant in Corner Somehow Still Alive

A ficus with yellowed leaves.

  By Sam Stoothoff   SPOKANE, WA— In a popular Spokane cafe, one resilient ficus is still alive despite being unwatered for over a year. Reports suggest that since plant-loving barista Jacqueline Fraiser left the cafe in late 2017, the ficus has been forgotten entirely.   We hit the scene to get eyes on the inspiring tree and the crew…

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Cafe, Coffee Events, Customer Service

Anti-Bias Training Teaches Baristas to Respect All Roast Levels

Students sit in a classroom, shown from the chest down, holding notebooks and pens.

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK— A local cafe chain is implementing a new anti-bias training program to teach baristas to respect coffees of all roast levels. While many are skeptical of the efficacy of anti-bias trainings, owner Helen Jones believes that it’s a necessary first step in eliminating bias not only in baristas, but in the wider community. “In third-wave coffee shops.…

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Cafe, Customer Service

Man from Melbourne Who Has Lived in UK for Two Weeks Insists There is No Good Coffee in London

A man with brown hair sits at a wooden corner table drinking from a white cup.

  By Jack Crisfield   LONDON, UK— The owner of an award-winning South London coffee shop was left shocked today as a fresh-off-the-boat Australian told her that good coffee simply cannot be found in London.   Shane Brown of Melbourne Australia, who has lived in the UK for two weeks, insisted that “there’s just nothing good here” during a conversation…

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