Cafe, Coffee Events, Staff Drama

Breaking News: Cafe Owner Just Pulled Into Parking Lot

This piece is dedicated to Weihong Zhang, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate.

By Josh Rank

ALBUQUERQUE, NM – Breaking news. Story will be updated as events unfold.

4:33 P.M. Brenda Halbock, barista at a popular family-owned cafe, told reporters she saw a black hatchback pull into the lot. Yes, she’s sure it was a hatchback, but she didn’t catch the make or model. Remaining two employees left on high alert.

4:34 P.M. After returning from an unnecessary trip to the dumpster to discard a half-filled trash bag, Brendan McDonald confirmed it was, in fact, a 2017 Hyundai Elantra, the same model driven by cafe owner and known dickhead, Bill Samuels.

4:36 P.M. All personal cups of water and coffee have been hastily discarded and the team is attempting to make it look like a rush has just ended. In reality, they have been discussing which one of them could get stabbed the most without dying. The lone customer sat unaware in the back corner, wearing earbuds.

4:37 P.M. Oh shit here he comes here he comes here he comes don’t look over there pretend like it’s a surprise please let him be in a good mood please please please…

4:42 P.M. Owner Bill Samuels has exited the parking lot. The visit was brief and completely void of interaction with the terrified baristas. “It looked like he just walked into the back to grab a piece of mail or something,” said Halbock. This could not be confirmed as the other two employees were busy unfolding towels only to refold them again and again in an attempt to appear worth their hourly wage.

Josh Rank is a writer and coffee shop worker person. He is thirty feet tall and invisible. More ramblings can be found at

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