This piece is dedicated to Umeko Motoyoshi, our excellent Patreon supporter whom we love and appreciate.
By Josh Rank
COLUMBUS, OH– Part-time barista Kyle Fleming set a personal record this afternoon by marking items off the closing checklist without actually doing them for the third consecutive day.
“I really thought I was pushing it with two days in a row,” he said outside after his shift. “But three days without wiping out the coolers? I can’t believe nobody’s noticed. It looks like the roof of a gingerbread house in there.”
No coworkers could be reached for comment since this record is currently known only to Fleming and his girlfriend. However, he’s confident many people will have strong opinions on his accomplishment once it comes to light.
“They’re going to flip out. My manager will probably have a hernia, but the ones that get it…oh man, it’s going to be sweet.”
Fleming says he plans to stop doing side work altogether.
“If nobody notices when it gets done, why would I bother? It’d be like if you found out exercise didn’t make you healthier. You’d never see a bike again.”
His only regret is that he has the next two days off and is sure someone will actually clean the coolers by the time he gets back, effectively re-setting his record.
“I might ask Sam if I can cover his shift tomorrow,” said Fleming. “I still haven’t decided.”
Josh Rank is a writer and coffee shop worker person. He is thirty feet tall and invisible. More ramblings can be found at www.joshrank.com.
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